Empty Arms

He's home

2009-03-31T10:11:00.003-04:00

My brother came home Friday. He seems to be doing better. He understands what he did hurt a lot of people. He is undergoing counseling . I just hope he stays on the path to recovery. I can't carry the entire family anymore. I am totally spent. This week was hell for me. I was trying to make sure my brother got taken care of & take care of his business. I also had to keep my extended family at bay because my mom was a mess.
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Taking care of all this mess I missed my window for ovulation. I also had to start retaking my kidney meds because my kidney's were screaming in pain. One of my meds is a class C. So I had to stop the meds to avoid any birth defects that might occur should I actually be able to conceive.
I'm beginning to realize that having another child is so not meant to be. I keep hitting brick walls. And my head can only take so much.

Why can't life be simple

2009-03-23T03:57:00.002-04:00

My brother attempted suicide yesterday. I don't even know where to begin.
It's now almost 4am. I've been awake since the hospital called at 2am to let me know he's been transferred to an inpatient facility about 3 hours away. They had difficulty finding a facility to treat alcohol & drug abuse along with severe depression & suicide attempt.
I don't know how to process all this.

I'm back, I think

2009-03-20T07:48:00.003-04:00

My little miracle just turned 2. He is 27lbs & 33 inches. All boy & too, too cute!

I've neglected this blog for so long. No excuse really, just life.

I, of course, have been spending the last 6 months dreaming of that "miraculous spontaneous pregnancy after IVF". I've always had that little thought in the back of my mind. But it's been consuming my night & days. I've gotten to where I can't even check in with old blogs. Everytime I do, someone has already given birth to their 2nd or 3rd! I look at the new baby pics & bawl. I didn't think I would ever feel like I did before I had my son. I feel like I'm back at the bottom again. Infertility hurts so bad. I don't know how people heal. It so damn frustrating. The pain never goes away, does it?

I went back to the IVF clinic & my doc just laughed when I asked if we could try some cheaper low tech procedures! (Can you here the evil laugh now. HA,hahahah after 3 IVF's you think a little injectable IUI will get you pregnant?!?!? HA, hahahah) So I have been thinking of ways to pay for IVF again! Unfortunately the housing market blows, so refinancing is out of the question. I could charge it but again the economy is so scary , if something happened to my husband's job I'd never be able to pay it off. And I'd have no emergency cash flow. So I'm attempting the do-able yet hope it pays off job hunt for companies that provide IVF coverage.

I have been working for my brother's construction company which currently is holding on by a soaking wet thread. I worked full time while working for him before so I can do it again, however I do have a toddler to throw into the mix. But my mom just retired so I have a little back-up. We did buy a new house in March 2008 & we live in the same neighborhood so I definitely have convenience on my side.

I know I've been home for every major milestone that my son has had. But man it breaks my heart to even think about missing a single second of his little life. He always manages to do something new. Not earth shattering but damn cute! I just hate the thought of going back to work. Everytime I look at him a get a pang of guilt. Like I should just except the gift that I was given & not to be greedy for more. I then try to remind myself that it's perfectly natural to want more children & that I'd be giving my son something not taking away.

Happy New Year (belated)

2008-01-02T06:43:00.001-05:00

Here are some xmas pics for your viewing pleasure! As you can see from the 1st pic xmas was way too much work. The 2nd pic was gift opening at my mom's. And the last pic was xmas morning at our house. (If I am remembering correctly-he was abandoning his pile of gifts for the dog food bowl that I forgot to pick up!)

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I hate New Year resolutions. I try every year not to make some crazy promise to myself that will never come to pass. However I couldn't help but look over at my son sleeping in his crib & think of him. Things I need to do & change for him.

I really need to get my pcos under control. I'm at such a high risk for diabetes & with my MTHFR I doubled my chances for strokes & blood clots. I also can't help but wonder if any of this shit has to do with my kidneys. (Which, btw, have started hurting on a regular basis again!) I know I need to call the dr about them but I so, so, so hate Dukey! They may be one of the top ten hospitals in the US, but in my opinion they suck. I have had such horrible experiences there. My husband,on the other hand, loves them & I mean lurve! He spent 2 years in their burn unit when he was little. They saved his life, for that I am grateful, but I have a feeling a lot has changed since the 70's. Anywhoo, I have put myself on the diabetes diet. I am already on metformin due to my insulin resistance so the diet, I'm hoping, can only help control the pcos symptoms.

I'm so hoping that 2008 is a year of great things to come. I entered 2007 so nervous that I'd lose my boy. I still wasn't sure he make it even after I heard his cry. I've spent a lot of nights checking his breathing & so has my husband. Well let me rephrase, my husband wakes me & asks me to go check on him. So between the two of us I don't think I'll ever sleep through the night again!

This past year, once he was born, has flown by. I can't believe he'll be 10 months old tomorrow. I already need to start planning his birthday. I know that sounds crazy since I have 2 months, but I'm an Italian yankee & every party has to be big & impressive & contain way too much food! I don't know how to throw a party any other way. (Which reminds me again that I owe you a Christening post.)

Well here's to 2008! I'm hoping everyones wishes come true this year!

Updates Galore

2007-12-19T18:55:00.000-05:00

I have so much to fill you in on. First I'll update on Alex. He had his 9 month check up & now is 18lbs 4oz & 28 in! He gotten so big. He has 4 teeth. He is crawling all over & is just starting to pull up.

We did have a little health scare both with me & him. That is the reason for the delayed posting.

Alex had an unexplained fever for 4 days, he had no other symptoms so I just thought it was teething. He also had a doctors appointment on day 4 so I wasn't worried. Well the dr was. Fast forward to 4 hours & 6 needle sticks later we were told to wait 72 hours for a blood culture. The dr wanted to be safe & gave him a shot of antibiotics. We went home to nap & when we woke up Alex had a fever of 104.5! Of course I freaked, the nurse, however, gave me a list of things to do & called an hour later to check. Luckily I got the fever down to 100 & the dr even called an hour after that to check on him. The next day we started him on oral antibiotics & waited paiently for the blood results. The culture had been contaminated in the lab. So after chewing my nails to the quick wondering what alien illness my son had, I'll now never know. He then developed a congested cough after being on antibiotics for a week. He stills has this damn cough so today we are going back for a recheck. Hopefully there will be no more needles!

My health scare is my kidneys. If you look back on my post from a year ago, I almost spent Christmas in the hospital due to a kidney stone. The pain left & we assumed I passed it. The week after Alex was born I thought I had a bladder infection from the catheter, the dr agreed & antibiotics were consumed. I spent the next 3 months trying every antibiotic there was to get rid of the stupid infection. My ob decided she was tired of me & sent me to a urologist who not so quickly disovered my malfunction. The stone we thought I passed was actually lodged in my ureter blocking urine from entering my bladder on the left side. The urine, since it couldn't escape, kept backing up into my kidney causing a major infection. I had several nights where my husband was ready to drive me the hospital, the fevers were awful 103+. After several scans it was determined that I had so many stones it was going to require 2 surgeries. The first surgery was to remove the stone that was blocking my ureter. The surgery itself wasn't so bad but the stent that stayed in for a week was a torture that I don't wish on anybody!! The best way I can describe it is to imagine a PVC pipe cut with a hand saw shoved up your wazoo & with each step it rubs. Yeah, real fun! The 2nd surgery was a whole lot more involved. Since the stones were so large, golf ball size (no I'm not exaggerating) I had to have open kidney surgery. The surgeons went in through my back to remove 6 stones from my left kidney. I was at the point to where just a month delay in surgery could have cost me my kidney. The stones were so large that parts of my kidney were not functioning. My right one also needs the surgery but they are waiting for some further testing. Our current goal is to determine why I am growing such extremely large stones. The dr's are baffled because 1-I'm a girl 2-I'm young 3-They are freakin' HUGE! We are talking case study people! The right kidney, luckily, is in a lot better shape then my left one was. So we have some time for investigation.

So that's what I've been up to. I need to write a post about Alex's Christening. I just realized that I never did that. It was in July. I kinda suck at this blogging thing. Well time to run, I have to get in the shower before Alex wakes up & requires my undivided attention!

I owe you some updates

2007-10-02T10:09:00.001-04:00

Here is Alex at 6months.
Stats: 16lbs
26 inches

Here is Alex at 4 months.
Stats: 14lbs 1oz
24 inches

I can't believe my little boy is going to be 7 months tomorrow. He is growing too, too fast. He is starting to get on all fours & rock his butt. It's just a matter of time before he's burning up my carpet! He is the light of my life. He also suffers from a severe case of mommy-itis. He is so attached to me. It breaks my husbands heart when he starts to get fussy while my husband is holding him & he reaches for me. When he's unhappy the only person he wants is me. It makes my heart swell beyond it's boundaries.

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I do find it strange that I can't stop thinking about having another baby. I don't know how the hell I could do it. But it fills my mind when I'm not focused on my son. I have always wanted a big family. I used to wish that I'd get pregnant in high school. I took way too many chances when my ex-husband & I were dating. You would think that would have given me a clue that my parts were broken.

My mind keeps drifting back to a psychic I saw after I lost the first baby. She said that I would have 3 children, 2 boys & a girl. I want to so believe that this would come true. However, I also can't help but think this was a psychic that worked on the boardwalk in Atlantic City. But I'm holding on to this very thin thread of hope, praying that her "vision" is real. I guess that's all that I have for now.

15 Weeks

2007-06-18T11:17:00.001-04:00

Here is the love of my life at 15 weeks old!! How can you not love this face?

Sorry for the posting hiatus I have been so crazy busy. I have started working for my brother's construction company full time. It's not so bad since I get to bring Alex with me. Not many people can have a pack-n-play sitting in their office, so I'm pretty lucky. I'm also lucky because when my boss pisses me off I can go all big sister on him & call him a stupid asshole & still have a job at the end of the day! I've also been busy planning Alex's Christening. I been booking caterers ,ordering cake & table ware, you'd think I was planning a wedding. My whole family is coming down from New York so things are definitely going to be crazy. I don't think I'd enjoy it any other way.

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Alex is growing by leaps & bounds. At his last checkup 2 weeks ago he weighed 12lbs 3oz! I kinda wish he would slow down on the growth. I don't know if I'll ever get to do this again so I'm wanting this little baby stage to last as long as possible. We of course have been wishing for a miracle natural pregnancy after IVF. I know it's probably not very likely but one can wish.

I'll post an update after his 4 month check up next week.

2 months

2007-05-04T10:38:00.000-04:00

I can't believe my little boy is already 2 months old. I find it amazing that you can love a little person so much. We have had some rough times with reflux, but I wouldn't trade any moment for anything.

Here are his stats:

9lbs 11oz

21 1/2 inches long

Birth story

2007-04-02T17:21:00.000-04:00

I know this has taken forever. Here it goes!

On Friday 3/02 at 10:15pm my husband & I were watching TV when all of a sudden I felt a pop & a gush. I told my husband I either just peed in my pants or my water broke. Well when I got up to go to the bathroom to check I discovered that indeed my water had broken. This, however, wouldn't have been a problem had I been ready to go to the hospital. My bag wasn't completely packed & I still needed to do laundry. And to make matters worse I hadn't shaved that day! So as my husband ran around in a panic collecting what we needed , I hopped in the shower to shave & to clean up all the amniotic fluid.

We got to the hospital around 11pm. When the doc checked me I was at 1 1/2 centimeters. He thought it would go quickly & we were in a room before midnight. At around 2am I decided I needed something for pain. The nurse checked me & told me I was at 3 centimeters. I almost had a stroke, so much for this going quickly. I tried to sleep & soon enough the day doc was in to check me. It was now around 7:30am. I was only at 4cm!! She decided to give me an epidural & start pitocin. She said she would re-check me around 10am. I never made it to that check. The baby started showing signs of distress every time I had a contraction. I was prepped & rushed to have a c-section.

The cutting part seemed to take forever. I just wanted to make sure the baby was ok. I'll never forget that sweet sound of him crying. I just looked at my husband & we were both crying. His apgars were great at 9 & 9. This was great news considering my son's problem with labor was his cord was around his neck. As he was trying to get further into the birth canal he was stuck due to the cord. This also explains the delay in my dilating.

They gave my son to my husband & he took him to meet my mom. I was stuck to the table while they put all my parts back. I then had to go to recovery for 30 minutes. This was pure damn torture. I wanted to hold my son. I was only able to rub his cheek with one finger because I was strapped to the table. After what seemed like an eternity I was wheeled to my room where my husband, mom & son were waiting for me.

I will never forget the first time they handed him to me. The hospital where I delivered has a safety system called hugs & kisses. I had a band with a computer chip on it & so did my son. Whenever the correct mom is given her baby it plays a lullaby. If the wrong baby is given to a mom an alarm sounds. That sweet music made me smile every time I picked him up. I remember the very first night I took a nap while my husband watched Alex breath in the bassinet. I had a terrible nightmare that the baby didn't make it. I woke up hysterically crying. My husband picked Alex up & handed him to me & that sweet lullaby played. It was all I could do during the rest of our hospital stay not to cry tears of joy whenever the lullaby played. I almost wish I could have taken it home with me. I miss that sweet sound.

This past month has gone by so fast. I truly can't believe my pregnancy is all over & I'm some one's mom. Both my husband & I are in love with this little person who has no regard for the difference between night & day. My every moment is consumed with him & yet sometimes it just doesn't seem real.

The most wonderful moment of my life....

2007-03-07T15:50:00.000-05:00

the birth of my son.

Alexander Riley

March 3, 2007

10:33 am

6 pounds 12 ounces

19 5/8 inches

I will post the birth story later. Nothing went as planned (obviously) but he's here, healthy & the most beautiful baby my husband & I have ever seen. I am so overwhelmed with emotion right now. Enjoy my tangled mess of pics.

Progress update

2007-02-22T15:56:00.000-05:00

I am 50% effaced and dilated 1 cm. So hopefully I won't be in labor too long. I want that drug to work quickly & get this little boy here & safe.

We now have 14 days until induction.

I missed my own anniversary

2007-02-21T11:26:00.000-05:00

I just realized that I have been posting on this blog for a year. I wonder if anyone has gotten anything out of it. I really have no idea if more than 1 person actually reads this. But I continue to post. Maybe out of desperation to not explode with worry. Not like it eliminates the worry but maybe somehow misdirects it.

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I have spent most of the morning re-reading blogs of infertiles that have become parents & I realized I'm not such a freak after all. Sure I have come across a few that still feel infertile but embraced the fact that they were having a real live baby. But for the most part even up to the point where their squirming babies were put in their arms it still didn't feel real to them. They still had a fear that something could still go wrong even during delivery.

I really do wonder if my fear will ever go away. My husband thinks I will have a chair next to the crib so I can watch him sleep. I can't say he's not close to being right. But I'm assuming at some point I'll need to eat & sleep. I can only hope that I can trust my angel care monitor. (yes I have that monitor that goes under the crib mattress & can detect if no movement , even breathing, has not occurred within 20 seconds)

My husband has been doing a little internet reading on induction & managed to stumble upon stillbirths. Now he's an overly nervous neurotic who has been checking on the baby's kicks about 10+ times a day. He never realized that something could go so wrong this late in the game. Um why do you think I still check the baby's heartbeat 3x a day!? Now he's reading up on inducing labor. He now wants this kid out....NOW! He had all these ideas of how to induce labor last night. This , however , is very funny to me because we have been so terrified of something going wrong we have only had sex 4x since I've been pregnant. The last time being when I was like 18 weeks pregnant. Last week I could have promised the world & my husband wouldn't touch me with a 10 foot pole. Last night I had to pry his hands off of me. I did learn one very valuable lesson, the idea of nipple stimulation to bring on contractions is so damn true! I could never do that for 15 minutes on each side like the midwives say. The 2 minutes my husband cornered me brought on the most powerful braxton hicks! I had to draw an invisible line on the family room floor & threaten him if he dare pass it.

I have my 2nd to last appointment tomorrow. Hopefully I have had some progress. My cervix was already soft last week so maybe we'll have some effacement & possibly some dilation this week. I'm only hoping for some progress to ensure I won't have some crazy 30 hour labor with meds to ripen the cervix & then meds to start labor. I'm really hoping I can just have the labor starting meds & skip the 12 hour cervix prep stage.

That's all for today. I'll update on Friday with cervical changes.

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As of today we have 15 days until induction.

Pictures of the nursery

2007-02-19T08:03:00.000-05:00

So there it is. A little packed right now because I refuse to let anything baby leave this room. I really have to stop being such a freak!

BTW: 17 days to go until induction!

We have a date!

2007-02-15T14:43:00.000-05:00

I have an official induction date! I am scheduled to be induced on March 8th. I feel so good having a day. I just want him out & safely in my arms. I don't hate being pregnant. I actually marvel in every movement, squirm or hiccup. I just wish I could have enjoyed it more. I've been so terrified of something going wrong...it has taken some of the joy & excitement out of it.

My husband is excited but was hoping they would induce me on Saturday the 10th so they could share a birthday. But he's now looking forward to watching ACC tournament with his son. (It starts on the 8th.)

My mother is beside herself. I think she has burned up every phone line from here to New York sharing the news. Southwest Airlines had better get some extra help soon, my family will be on the phone booking tickets to be here! That's the one good & bad drawback about being Italian. We are always in each others business & up each others ass!

I can't believe I know what day my son will be born. It just amazes me. I have waited so very long for this child. I can't believe that I could actually have him in my arms in 21 days!

DBT's*

2007-01-22T10:52:00.000-05:00

Why can't I relax? I am so terrified everyday that something can still go wrong. I'm 32 weeks & 2 days but I'm so scared of crazy irrational fears. Rare cord accidents or just a sudden death with no reason. I still use the doppler several times a day & damn those kick counts....I find any excuse to do them at least 3 times a day! How is that for neurotic!?!
I won't let my husband have any baby stuff anywhere in this house but the baby's room. This way if something does happen I can at least still come into this house. However the only way I'll be able to come into this house, should something happen, is going to be on massive amounts of antipsycotic drugs...if they can prevent me from just being too depressed to breath. I thought maybe I'd relax at some point. Even with all the complications I had, I find myself worrying more the closer we get to his due date. I think it may possibly be because I'm so ready for him. I have diapers, wipes, bottles, formula, clothes, blankets & every piece of baby gear known to man.
I have waited so long to hold my child in my arms...and almost seem like a normal family....couple & child. I don't want to field "do you have children?" questions anymore. I don't want to hate happy families with their stroller full of 2.5 kids. I don't have the option of trying again. This is it for me & that is scary. If something were to happen...I don't get to try again. I don't get a second chance. This little boy has to make it.....because if he doesn't I won't.

*dead baby thoughts

After the shower

2007-01-16T15:28:00.000-05:00

I had my shower on Saturday. It was some affair. All my family came down from New York. We had a sit down lunch complete with filet mignon, lobster and lots of appetizers. I got so many gifts my husband had to rent a cargo van to get the gifts home! It was so surreal....I have waited so long to have my own baby shower. I don't even want to talk about the tears that were shed by all. They were tears of joy though, we have all been waiting on this baby. My poor mom tried to give a speech and cried in her wine!

So the baby's room has really come together. I just need little stuff....bath wash, laundry detergent, meds to keep handy & grooming stuff. Everything is assembled & in order. I am so ready for this baby to be born! I just want to relax. And I won't be able to do that until he is safe in my arms.

Well my next appointment is tomorrow. As of right now my doctor thinks I'll have him in 5 to 7 weeks. Everyone keeps telling me that it's going to fly by so fast. I'll just be so happy to have him in my arms.

No new complications!

2007-01-03T12:14:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I haven't managed to obtain another complication. It's very shocking to me. I do however have the worst cold imaginable. It's very hard not to od on Nyquil & feel better. But my number one priority is this baby & Nyquil is not good for him. So I'll suffer. I have sugar free cough drops,sugar free Robitussin, antibiotics & a shit load of tissues. Hopefully I'll kick this by the weekend. There are so many things that need to be done. All of my family will be here on the 11th. And of course everyone wants to see the baby's room. So lots to do!

I'll be 30 weeks on Saturday....wow I can't believe we are in the home stretch...I might actually bring a baby home.

Complications

2006-12-28T07:14:00.000-05:00

I find it amazing that I couldn't do getting pregnant right & now I can't do pregnant right.

Let's due a brief recap....1)Failed the gestational diabetes test. Have to have the 3 hour. Fuck, shit, piss.
2)On the phone 5 times with the on call doc in extreme pain...pre term labor? who knows....just head to labor & delivery asap. Several stressful hours later I have my diagnosis...kidney stones! I am given the option to be admitted to have IV fluids pushed along with pain meds & the promise to hopefully be out before xmas or pain meds, drink lots of water & come back to the hospital on xmas eve for a re-check. I of course chose option home. I regretted this decision about 45 minutes after we left the hospital. I cannot even begin to describe the pain.
3)Xmas eve re-check...stress test fine, little boy fine, blood pressure bad, protein in urine bad. Doc gleefully tells me if my labs come back abnormal I will be admitted until this kid is born. Luckily labs come back normal.
4)Failed 3 hour gestational diabetes test. Fuck,shit,piss.
5)Regular weekly check-up. Blood pressure bad, bad, bad. Now have to go to the office twice a week.

So in short I have gestational diabetes & preeclampsia. I'll be 29 weeks on Saturday. I am on strict bedrest. I have to keep this kid in at least another 3 weeks. I would prefer 7 or 8. I need to have very close monitoring to ensure I don't develop HELLP or eclampsia.

Man I feel like such a failure.

Week 3 on bedrest

2006-12-14T12:52:00.000-05:00

Went to the doc yesterday. I still have high blood pressure but no edema. We drew some more HELLP blood work to keep an eye on the preeclampsia. I'll be having an ultrasound next week to check on the placenta previa.

I was supposed to have my gestational diabetes test yesterday but I forgot to drink the orange syrup. I'm a real piece of work, my current job is to incubate this kid to the best of my ability & I forget to take a test for him. Yup I'm gonna be a great mom!

This Saturday starts the 3rd trimester. I'm excited & scared & maybe even a little depressed to get to this milestone. I'm excited because I am so close to finally holding this little boy in my arms. I'm scared because so much can still go wrong. I could go rapidly down hill & this baby may or may not make it if he was born tomorrow. And I'm a little depressed because I have spent this entire pregnancy in such fear. I haven't been able to enjoy it because I was always so afraid of losing this baby. I'm still worried now. I can, with all honesty, say that if something were to happen to this baby today...I would never recover. Never.

Another unexpected update

2006-12-07T09:26:00.000-05:00

Well it looks like I might be home for good. Nothing new on the placenta previa, but I now have high blood pressure & am spilling protein in my urine. Yup the very beginning of preeclampsia. I am now keeping my feet up or laying on my left side as much as possible. I have got to keep this kid in here until at least 32 weeks. That's 6 1/2 weeks I have to keep him safe in utero. I am having to go to the doc at least once a week, provided nothing changes. If things get bad...Hospital bedrest on steroids for the baby's lungs to mature faster. My husband is a nervous wreck. I'm trying to convince him that there is no need to worry until the doc says worry.

I have my gestational diabetes test next week. Please let me pass that. I think I'm all filled up with complications for now.

Not the update you were expecting...

2006-12-04T11:35:00.000-05:00

I had my appointment on Wednesday of last week. My little boy looked great. I still have placenta previa but the doc isn't worried. So I finally decided to kinda sorta... Relax.

Thursday morning I'm at work minding my own business when my always full bladder came calling. Now picture me in stall with a wad of toilet paper covered in blood. Not the spotting kind either...The period kind. Panic then ensues. I call the doc & my husband. Less than 30 minutes later my blood pressure being taking at the ob office is making the nurse stroke out. My placenta previa decided to show it's ugly face & I am now on bedrest. My little boy is just fine & seems totally oblivious to what's going on. I go back on Wednesday to see what the plan is.

I have just one little fact that I will be explaining to the doc. And that is he had better be damn sure we are doing everything we can to save this baby. There will be no saying you can always have another baby. There are no second chances for me.

Where to begin...

2006-11-20T18:46:00.000-05:00

Today I hit 23 weeks. 1 week away from possible viability & 3 weeks away till the 3rd trimester. Very surreal if you ask me.

I'm having another ultrasound next week to check on my low lying placenta. I really don't need extra complications but I hate work so bad right now I could deal with scheduled bed rest & c-section. I know I don't need to wish for problems. I don't even want to know what the worst case scenario is. I will just be so happy to see my little boy again during the ultrasound.

On the topic of my little boy. He's been working on giving his mother a stroke. I had a little scare last week (I'll fill you in a minute)& he was so active that day. Even though I was dealing with trauma, I wasn't worried about him, he was letting me know all day that he was ok. Now he has been so quiet since! This kid is going to be grounded when he gets out of here. I mean I have felt him move but so infrequently & far between that I have been wearing out the Doppler.

Now onto my trauma. Last Wednesday I was getting out of the shower & felt something run down my face. I go to wipe it away thinking it was water. Oh how wrong I was! It was blood & a lot of it! It was coming from my nose & I could not get it to stop. I was screaming for my husband. I had a puddle of blood in each hand. It was dripping on the floor. It was a damn crime scene. This super flow bleed lasted for 25 minutes!!! After I paged the on call OB, I started to blow dry my hair & bleeding started again. Another 15 minutes of blood loss sent me to the ENT doc to get my nose scoped & cauterized! Sounds like a heap of fun, huh?!?

That's all for now I'll check in next week after the ultrasound.

Another boring post

2006-11-06T18:34:00.000-05:00

Today I hit 21 weeks. I am supposed to bring this boy home in 19 weeks or so. So why am I still so nervous? I check the heartbeat twice a day. And I freak whenever I go too long without movement. I spent yesterday & today a mess because he was so quiet. I was even crying when I was able to go for 4 hours yesterday without needing to eat. I swear I am going to have to put Prozac in this kid's bottle. My nervousness is going to put this kid in therapy.

My next appointment is a week away. I think I'll be begging for an ultrasound. I just need to see him again. My poor doctor...He'll probably send me a bill for a cruise that he had to take for his mental health!

Nothing else to report...I think the title really says it all. I'll check in after my appt next week.

Just a quick update

2006-10-18T09:19:00.000-04:00

I had my 18 week appointment yesterday. All is well besides my iron ...But I enjoy adding more drugs to my regimen. So I get to add Iron...Yeah! Bring on the constipation.
My house now contains a painted nursery & an assembled crib. It's all very scary to me. I actually asked the doctor yesterday if I was actually going to bring a kid home...He said yeah...Stop worrying! Easy for him to say...He's not an infertile neurotic like I am.
And one last little topic we think we decided on a name...Alexander Riley. No one as poopooed it yet....Except for my brother who wanted to know why we weren't naming his nephew after him!

Next appt is 11/14/06. I'll try to check in before then. Hopefully it will be more exciting than this.

The verdict is in

2006-10-10T07:49:00.000-04:00

I had my level II ultrasound yesterday. The baby looks great! Everything is growing exactly as it should. All the itty bitty organs are great also! And the grand finale is it's a boy!

I am shocked. I would have went to Vegas & put money down that it was a girl. The tech guessed boy & then the doc confirmed! I haven't even looked at boy stuff that's how convinced I was. So now we have changed gears to prepare for a little boy.

This seems so surreal to me. I can actually think of this baby as a person instead of a maybe. I really just can't believe I have gotten this far. My only fear now is that I have so much more to lose should something happen.

We are having a son...Wow it's just bizarre to say that.

I am insane!

2006-10-05T10:38:00.000-04:00

I think I'll give you guys the long version since it's been forever since I last posted.
My adorable husband & his lunch buddy took it upon themselves to go to a high priced baby store at lunch on Tuesday. These lovely gents discovered a moving sale with Italian made cribs at over 70% off. I left work & met my husband to look at said Italian made crib. It was the most gorgeous thing I had ever seen. It was also $399 marked down from $1447. It was the last one left. So with trembling hands I gave the lady my credit card & purchased said crib. So I am insane. I spent the rest of the evening repeating out loud 'holy shit I bought a crib!' The said crib is now in the room it will occupy with my ,hopefully, child. I asked my husband if he realized that we now have to bring home a real live baby...He just looked at me with his dazzling green eyes & said I didn't know we had a choice.

Edited to add: Today I am 16 weeks 3 days. I passed my GD test. And only 3 more days till the ultrasound!

The Rest of the results

2006-09-18T13:47:00.000-04:00

On a very happy note I can now say my chance of down syndrome & chromosomal abnormalities are very low. My down syndrome risk was 1 in 554 & my chromosomal abnormality was 1 in 1000. My new numbers are 1 in 11,061 for downs & 1 in 19,781 for chromosomal abnormalities. So very good news indeed.

*********

I'm 14 weeks today. I feel that every day I hear the heartbeat is another milestone. I can find it so easy now that I listen every morning & evening. I hope that's not too obsessive! I wouldn't really say I'm nervous....I think I do it because I just love the sound. I love listening to the baby kick & punch the Doppler.

******

Coming up next: Gestational diabetes test on the 26th
Level II on October 9th(I almost can't believe that in 3 weeks I could know if it's a boy or girl!)

The Results

2006-09-13T10:14:00.000-04:00

Everything looks great! Of course I don't have the blood results in yet but the ultrasound looked really good. The nuchal translucency measurement was 1.5 which the doc is happy with. He even told me to relax & enjoy this because I have less than a 1% chance of a miscarriage. I think I might actually get a kid out of this. Kinda scary. I have spent so long trying to get here, that I never really thought I'd actually have a real live kid.

I'm again in a funny place, I want so badly to be happy & start planning but I'm still so scared. It's hard for me to believe my dream could be finally coming true. I really am trying to overcome this...I have to. I won't be able to do IVF again. This kid is it...unless I get that miraculous pregnancy after infertility. So my current goal is to enjoy this pregnancy because it most likely will be my last.

Man it's been a while....

2006-09-11T07:28:00.000-04:00

Sorry I didn't realize how long it has been since I last posted.

Today marks 13 weeks. I have my Level 1 ultrasound at the perinatal clinic today. I'm not really nervous. I don't know why but I'm guessing it's because I made sure I heard the heartbeat yesterday.

My husband doesn't want to go today. He doesn't want to hear that something could be wrong with our child. I look at it this way...If something is wrong I don't plan on terminating...But I can at least prepare myself before birth. I'll be sure to update tomorrow on the results of the scan.

******

On a sad note I do want to mention the day & what it stands for. NYC was my hometown. I was born there, all my family is there....I will never forget that day. I will also never forget the people whose lives were lost. Our innocence was taken away that day. NYC will never be the same.

Good news & Bad news

2006-08-29T07:20:00.000-04:00

I think I'll give you the good news first. That way if you don't want to hear the bad news you can move on.

The Good News: I finally, finally, finally found the baby's heartbeat on the Doppler! I was so excited on Saturday when I found it that I cried & then I wanted to throw up but that's just the hormones. I am trying not to be obsessive so I didn't even try on Sunday...But last night the second I walked into the house that Doppler was out lickety split! It did take a little while but I was rewarded with that beautiful beating heart. The really good thing is I won't be a paranoid freak when I go for my ultrasound today.

The Bad News: I got my blood results back from my first OB visit & it turns out I have the MTHFR mutation. Oh and not just the mutation but a double mutation. Luckily, being the internet research freak that I am, I have been self medicating for this anyway. I was already on the baby aspirin as per protocol for all patients at the IVF clinic. The 4mg of Folic Acid & B6 & B12 is over the counter & there is no risk of od'ing, so of course I took it. Thank god because I may not have gotten where I am now without it. The nurse stated that baby aspirin was enough for the clotting issues but you can bet the cellulite on my butt that I will be fighting for Heparin or Levonox when I go to the doctor today. I mean why temp fate? I'm already high risk thanks to the habitual aborter, threatened aborter & size less than dates. Why not throw a little extra blood thinner into the mix. My OB doc is pretty good at keeping me calm, hence the weekly ultrasounds, so maybe I'll win this battle too.

Basket Case

2006-08-25T07:44:00.000-04:00

I don't really know what to post about. I pretty much spend every waking & sleeping moment in a panic that this is all going to go wrong. I should be trying to enjoy this but all I can think about is will I recover from another late miscarriage.

On Monday I'll be 11 weeks. I lost the 1st baby at 11 weeks ,I didn't however find out till I was 14 weeks, so very nervous I am. I have been having weekly ultrasounds so every one I make it through keeps me from dropping over the edge. You think I would be getting better but I'm not. I got a Baby Beat Doppler 2 weeks ago, I can't hear a damn thing other than my heartbeat. I keep telling my husband that if I could just hear it every day I'd be okay. I'm sure regardless if I heard it I'd probably still be a basket case. I know it's very early to hear it & I also know if you have a little extra junk in your front trunk that makes it harder to hear. But of course that doesn't make me feel any better.

I still haven't come out of the closet. My father doesn't know neither does my immediate family. If something goes wrong I may regret not telling them but I cannot deal with retracting the statement. My mom, m-i-l, f-i-l & best friend are the only ones who know. My m-i-l wants to know however if I think this one is going to stick around this time. Um lady if I knew the answer to that I'd already have the nursery done.

I really want to stop getting myself in a twist about this but I can't seem to settle down...I wonder if I ever will. Infertility is such a bitch. So much time, energy, tears, money & prayers (if your the praying type) are spent trying to get pregnant. Then we finally get the double lines or the plus sign & we spend our nights & days wondering when it will all go wrong.

Just a few steps away from the crazy house

2006-08-15T06:59:00.000-04:00

I had to rush myself to the doc yesterday. I was bleeding....yup fun stuff. I had the customary ultrasound which showed a baby that had grown 7 days in 5 & a little heart beating away. After a huge sigh of relief I got "The Speech". You know the one where the doc says everything looks fine...Could continue to be fine....Could go to shit...Nothing we could do to stop it if it did....blah blah blah.

I have my 1st ob appointment today. I'm actually really glad to be going back. I had some spotting when I got home yesterday & had cramping all freaking night! You do understand this is all a plot to get me to go insane? Anywhoo the cramping is finally starting to subside, but I'll be happy for a little reassurance today. I wonder if,now that I have been given the title of threatened abortion, I could convince my doc that I need an ultrasound every week until I'm 13 weeks?

We're having a baby!

2006-08-09T13:25:00.000-04:00

We had a little one with a heartbeat of 171 bpm. I am beyond happy & RELIEVED!

I actually was so nervous I was looking for a paper bag or a tank of oxygen. The nurse thinks I'm hilarious....But I was dead serious! I do believe I have finally stopped shaking. However the nausea is still with me so it must be morning sickness. Oh well I'll take all the symptoms as long as this little heart keeps beating!

Nervous

2006-08-09T08:49:00.000-04:00

I am sitting here trying not to vomit on my computer keyboard. I can't honestly say it's morning sickness. If I had to wager a guess, I'd say nerves. I leave here in 1 hour & 15 minutes to get my husband for my appointment. I don't even want to go. I like living in denial. For now, I'm pregnant, I may not be in a matter of hours. I have read both mine & my husbands horoscope...And they look bad! I wonder if I should put any faith in them? When they're good I so want to believe, when they suck I think what a crock of shit.

I am so scared. My little dream of giving birth in March seems so unreachable now. I have begged every god I can think of to make this happen for us. Please oh please oh please let this baby be alive & in the right place.

List of things to do

2006-08-04T14:50:00.000-04:00

Here is my plan should all go well on Wednesday:
1)Stop peeing on sticks! 1 to 2 a day is ridiculous. I have to stop being a freak!
2)Clean out the spare bedroom. It should take me to about January to complete!
3)Break out the maternity clothes 'cause damn I can't breathe!
4)Dig out the pregnancy books.
5)Start acting like a pregnant woman.

Here is the plan should it all go to shit on Wednesday:
1)Kick somebody's ass...Nurse...Doctor...Receptionist...I'm not really picky!
2)Hide all evidence of previous cycle including sharps container & alcohol swabs.
3)Drink booze & eat a lot of unhealthy junk food.
4)Throw away all pregnancy books & maternity clothes because I am tired of knowing that crap is in my house.
5)Go to the nearest casino..If I can't win in this crapshoot maybe the gambling kind will have better odds.

6 days to go

2006-08-03T13:27:00.000-04:00

I have 6 days till the dreaded ultrasound. My dr's office isn't very optimistic. When I last spoke to them re: my P4 level the nurse asked me if I had started spotting yet. Um WTF!! Does she have a crystal ball & know some thing no one else could possible know right now? I asked her if she thought we even had a chance & she said well we'll see at the ultrasound.

I have decided that I have already cried enough. If I find out that this baby has been dead for weeks on Wednesday, I am kicking somebody's ass for dragging me along all these fucking weeks. 8 weeks for a fucking ultrasound for an IVF patient, why don't they put slivers of hot metal in my eye!!

I am so frustrated right now. I have no reason to believe I am actually going to see a baby on Wednesday with a beating heart. I also have no reason to believe, except for the nurses' optimism, that I'm going to see a dead one.

My husband has had it with my depression. But shit what am I supposed to do? I should be enjoying this time & all I can think of is I'll be doing my 4th cycle in October. I am so tired of getting my heart broken that I cannot relax. I am sure I'm being a bitch but damn,I am hormoned out & trying to prepare myself to schedule a D&C if needed.

This entire blog has gotten way too pessimistic but I'm tired of the shit end of the stick.

I have a feeling...

2006-07-31T09:10:00.000-04:00

this is a beginning of an end. I don't think I can't stand much more uncertainty with this whole fucking situation. My office has been watching my progesterone because they want it above 40. Well on the 17th my p4 was 29...on the 21st it dropped to 25....on the 24th it went up to 29....and now today it dropped to 25 again. Now I know that anything over 15 is just fine for early pregnancy but you see people they have doubled my doses & I still can't keep the shit up. When my p4 dropped to 25 the 1st time we went up to 2 injections every night of PIO. That's 1cc in each hip. We also went to 300mg suppositories 3 fucking times a day! I should have progesterone coming out of my ears.

We all know what dropping progesterone means...um yeah that "m" word. If I can't keep it up artificially, what do you think would happen if I stopped....yup there's that "m" word again. I have hardly any symptoms & they are beginning to be less & less noticeable. I so have a feeling I won't make it to the fucking ultrasound that I have been waiting an eternity for & if I do make it I'll probably be looking at another fetal corpse. Because we all know how good I am at retaining corpses...

Still here

2006-07-30T08:18:00.000-04:00

I just don't even know what to write these days. I am so utterly terrified that there is no beating heart in there. I continue to take the hpt's but it's doing little to appease me these days. One thing I have come to realize is, if we make it, I will have to tell this kid they can't go to college because of my poas addiction. I have no idea how much I have spent on these stupid plastic sticks that are now littering the tub edge covered in piss. I have had to start sneaking to the store to buy them. I also change stores, I don't want my picture by the register. Warning: This lady buys at least 2 boxes of hpt's every couple of days!!!

I wondered if I would be more at ease if I had better beta numbers. I just don't think I can visualize a bring home baby with numbers as low as mine. Yes I know someone's sister's cousin's best friend's aunt had triplets with the same numbers I had. And I know about Brooklyn Girl's miracle. But I don't get that lucky....Ever. I always have the worst case scenario, the .0000000001% chance that something will go wrong & if it has anything to do with me it all goes to shit.

My husband, Mr Optimism, isn't really at ease either. He has been coming up with new ideas & symptoms to call the doctor with so I can get an ultrasound before August 9th. He usually thinks I'm being unreasonable, but he is as pissed as I am about having to wait till I'm 8 weeks before I can get an ultrasound. I just know I will probably have a nervous breakdown if the ultrasound shows us some crap in my uterus that in no way even resembled a baby at any point.

I know I sound so negative, but I really can't help it. I am so,so scared this is all going to go bad. I will 7 weeks tomorrow, maybe if I start puking or something I'll feel better.....Yeah right.

I guess I should post....

2006-07-26T08:34:00.000-04:00

I go through moments of everything will be fine, I have suffered enough, I will finally hold my child to this is so over already, there will be no heartbeat, there will be no baby. I cannot control DBT for nothing. I still take a hpt every day. Then I spread them out on the counter & analyze them. Does this one look lighter or darker? It that darker than the control line? What should my beta be at this point? If it's over 20 or 30 thousand shouldn't the entire pee stick glow like Rudolph's nose?

My only consolation right now is my boobs hurt like hell, I can't stay awake at any time during the day & I am having bouts of nausea. However I have read that people with a blighted ovum have normal symptoms & can go into the beginning of the 2nd trimester before finding out. Yes it's sad that I have researched everything that can go wrong. If negativity is a deciding factor in this working, I am so fucking screwed.

One thing that is really bothering me right now is work. I fucking hate my job, the people I work with & my damn boss. I've about had all I can stand. If and I mean if this works, I am putting in my notice to quit the week before Christmas. No sense in spending my 3rd trimester in hell. Shit if I actually get that far I deserve a break! My paycheck is so not worth half the bullshit I deal with. Just to give you a little insight...One of my co-workers put their socks in the microwave to dry & they caught on fire, then they decided to clean the microwave with vinegar so now we have a lovely burned feet fabric odor with an overlay of vinegar. Lunch anyone? Help me....

Feelings

2006-07-20T08:58:00.000-04:00

I received a card from my RE's office on Tuesday that said "congratulations on the pregnancy". They signed the card " The Dream Team". Is it just me or are they pretty damn proud of themselves? Ok I admit to see "congratulations on the pregnancy" did make me tear up a bit but hell I'm on a shitload of hormones right now, give me a break.

*********

I'm so torn on how to feel right now. I want to be happy & giddy and all that nauseating baby dust crap. But I am so scared that this one will end too. I want to make plans & dream about this potential "maybe". I am just so afraid. I keep trying to convince myself that I might as well enjoy whatever time I get to be pregnant regardless of how it might end. But of course, after the universe has kicked my ass so many times,I'm a little raw.

*********

My ultrasound has been scheduled for August 9th. It's my mom's birthday. I told her she had better put a candle on her breakfast & make one hell of a wish. I think the hardest thing to do is to tell her if I manage to fuck this one up too. I couldn't tell her last time. I had to make my husband do it. She was just so happy when I told her...Lots of tears of joy. She did the same thing this time. I almost believe she would be more crushed than I would. I understand her feelings though, just as she wants to be one of the Grandma's showing off pictures of her grandkids, I want to be a mom showing off my kids.

Huh?

2006-07-18T06:34:00.000-04:00

I had my 3rd beta yesterday it was 253. My p4 was 29. My RE doesn't want me to have anymore betas. They are happy with the current numbers. Huh? None of this make sense to me. I thought I was circling the drain. Their only concern is the p4,I have to get that re-checked on Friday. They like to see the level above 40.

My husband asked me what this all meant. I said I guess we are having a maybe(sorry but I stole this from Deb over at The Trying Game)! I can't think of a better term right now. I thought this cycle was so done already. Now I have to sit back & patiently wait for August 10th. My RE doesn't do the 1st ultrasound until 8 weeks.(If that just isn't pure torture) I have 3 weeks to get myself use to the idea of the maybe & could have it all ripped away on a fuzzy black & white screen. I learned I had lost my 1st pregnancy that way. I sure as hell don't need a repeat of that, once was more than enough.

Um, maybe

2006-07-15T11:13:00.000-04:00

Todays beta was 117. Yes we doubled. I am still waiting on the p4. I can breathe a little until Monday.

Please oh pretty pretty please let this work out.....

Limboland

2006-07-13T10:44:00.000-04:00

beta at 14dp3dt 55
p4 16.83
e2 240

This shit sucks. Why can't I just have a fucking kid already!

12DP3DT

2006-07-11T16:52:00.000-04:00

I am trying not to worry about what I can't control. According to several hpt's I'm pregnant. My symptoms are increasing too. I just hope I don't loose this one too. I've decided that I can't stress about this. What's done is done & nothing I do can change the outcome at this point. My beta is 2 days away. I can only hope the numbers are good, after that I can only hope for doubling. I just need to try to take 1 step at a time.

Here's to hoping I'm not on my way to another failure.

11DP3DT

2006-07-10T09:38:00.000-04:00

I have spent the last several days staring at pee sticks and ,after having my husband take one, I have come to the conclusion that this might have actually worked. (You know I find it scary that you are so raw that even though 2 lines appear you swear the test is defective & make you husband pee in a cup so you can run the test for yourself just to make sure they actually work!)I even used one of those scary digital tests. I just cried when I saw 'Pregnant' pop up. I actual carried the damn thing around the house with me until the screen went blank. (I'm really a sad case!) My tests never went negative from the hcg trigger. So I have no idea where the trigger ended & the pregnancy began.

I hope I am not discussing this prematurely. I haven't even told my mom. My beta is on Thursday. So I'm pretty happy to get a digital test to even show positive. So for right now I'm pregnant until proven otherwise.(Please let this one stick!)

6DP3DT

2006-07-05T15:23:00.000-04:00

I am slowly going stir crazy. This has been the most uneventful 2ww so far. I still having some mild OHSS symptoms thanks to the high estrodiol when I triggered & of course the PCOS. The high progesterone right now is causing all sorts of pregnancy-like symptoms. You know the usual heartburn, cramping, sore boobs & waking up in the middle of the night to pee. It is all a conspiracy for us think happy baby thoughts and all that other hope bullshit.

On a very crappy note the 19 embryos I had left died. I had nothing to freeze out of 35. It kinda of lays the groundwork for my umpteenth BFN. I have, of course, been POAS since the day after trigger. They are still currently positive. I triggered 11 days ago so I can't imagine what's up with that. I am definitely not a normal sized individual, so 10,000 units of HCG should be gone by now. I know sometimes they can last 14 days but not when you have an ass the size of Texas.

I'll check in later with more fun & exciting information.

I tried to post this yesterday but blogger was being a bitch. No new & exciting info to post today. Pretty much the same shit going on. Just feeling more & more like a BFN. Sorry about my mood I just have no hope left.

1dp3dt

2006-06-30T08:17:00.000-04:00

We had the transfer yesterday. We transferred 3 embryos. I scanned a picture but I'm too computer illiterate to put in this post. (I'll try to work on it later)

When we got there yesterday we had 22 out of the 23 still cooking. I'm pretty damn thrilled with that. We will find out tomorrow how many made it to freeze.

I'll check in with freeze info, an actual picture or some bizarre off the wall symptom to totally prove that this already worked. (I really kill myself with this crap)

Fertilization Report

2006-06-27T15:22:00.000-04:00

We had 23 out of 35 fertilize. This is so much better than the 13 I had last time. Wow what a difference a protocol makes.

I'll update tomorrow with the quality & quantity of the embryos. My transfer should be on Thursday.

I'm so very happy right now.

Retrieval Day

2006-06-26T19:16:00.000-04:00

They got 35 eggs!

I'm very tired & very sore, but very happy with the numbers.

I'll check in with the fertilization report soon.

cd31

2006-06-19T10:43:00.000-04:00

I had my 1st blood draw yesterday my estrogen was 209. Despite the Lupron my estrogen is higher this cycle than last. However all has changed as of this morning my estrogen for today is 168!?! WTF? I have no idea what this means. I am shooting up with 400iu's of Gonal-F, 15 units of low dose Ovidrell & 5 units of Lupron. My estrogen should be going up not down. I can't wait to hear from my doctors office this afternoon. Their explanation of this should be fun. I just want all this crap to be over. I just want my kid in my arms after a very uneventful 9 months & an even more uneventful labor & delivery. I see I am probably asking way too much.

cd26

2006-06-14T09:46:00.000-04:00

I don't have much to say just impatiently waiting to start shooting up with the real stuff. I'm hoping that will be tomorrow. I have an appointment in the morning so hopefully I'll get the go ahead to inject something other than Lupron.

I have been trying to avoid thinking back to this time last year. On June 3rd, 2005 my life went into the shitter. I have been trying to dig my way out since.

Friday 06/03/05 - my husband called to tell me he had been laid off.
(I didn't know how we would make it. I remember him saying that everything would be okay as long as he had me & the baby.)

Sunday 06/05/05 - my furry children got into a huge fight, my husband's hand got in the way which required surgery to place several metal rods in his hand & a 2 day stay in the hospital .
(My hubby said nothing else could possible go wrong at this point.)

Wednesday 06/08/05 - my 14th week ob appointment, doc couldn't find a heartbeat, ultrasound confirmed the baby had died at 11 weeks.

Thursday 06/09/05 - D&E to end a pregnancy that we had tried 8 years for.

It really is hard to think about all this. I don't know many people who could have had so much go wrong in 6 days. It took me weeks before I could get dressed without crying. It took months before I could go a day without crying.

It was so damn hard to explain to my family what I was going through. My cousin kept trying to tell me that I needed to get over & be happy or I'd never get pregnant again. ( yeah, it took 2 doctors, several nurses, $3500 worth of drugs injected over the course of 8 weeks, sperm washing & 2 IUI's to get pregnant, happy had nothing to do with it )I also didn't think I'd live to see this year. My heart was so broken & I was so stressed because of everything else, I can't tell you how hard it was to breath every second of every day. But I made it & I have had 2 IUI's (both negative), 1 IVF(miscarriage at 5 1/2 weeks) & 1 FET(chemical) since June '05. I some how just keep going on. Maybe that saying is true. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

CD 19

2006-06-07T09:15:00.000-04:00

I am slowly counting down the days to stims. My dr thought it would be a great idea to do a long Lupron protocol. Fun for all! I've been on Lupron for 6 days now & will be on it until trigger. It actually hasn't been that bad...just Lupron headaches. So I'm not complaining too much. My only complaint really is just that this is dragging out the process. I am so ready to get this show on the road. My only other concern is that my retrieval & transfer date could overlap with someone's summer vacation at work. I have filed for FMLA so I can cover my ass if that should happen.

My husband seems very confident about this cycle. I am hoping his confidence is contagious. I just feel so discouraged sometimes....I never thought I'd be here doing this. I hope his feeling about this one working is right.

CD 7

2006-05-26T09:14:00.000-04:00

Well I'm passing the days by twiddling my thumbs. I cannot wait for this damn process to move on to stims. I had to leave the nurse a message this morning. She told me she would contact me with the schedule for IVF#2 when I spoke to her on Saturday, but I still haven't heard from her. When I don't have a plan I get a little nervous, okay a lot.

On a funny note, the trip from hell in which I lost my driver's license, has finally completed. Yesterday in my mailbox was a lonely legal sized envelope with just my driver's license in it. It was postmarked from the American Airlines hub in Queens, NY so I'm assuming I either lost it on the plane or on the tarmac. You think they could have saved me some grief & found when I was still in NY? I guess that is too much to ask. But now I have an extra license to stash in my suitcase should that ever happen again.

I'll post when I get an update on the IVF schedule.

Day 1

2006-05-20T22:47:00.000-04:00

My period started today! (It takes so little to entertain me these days)I start the BCP's on Monday. So 10 to 14 days of those & then I start stims.

I'm in such a funny place right now. I'm excited to finally start this cycle but I'm also terrified of another failure or miscarriage. My husband completely understands this which totally freaks me out. It freaks me out because he is starting to get infertile brain. This is a brain function that is usually acquired by women. It's the worry about everything that could happen & knowing there is nothing we can do to the change the outcome.

My 1 & only wish is and has always been to have my own real live baby in my arms. I hope this cycle brings me my wish.

I wish I had known her..

2006-05-13T08:00:00.000-04:00

I have, as an addicted blog reader, have come across CancerBaby's blog. I check in from time to time. I read earlier this week that things were bad. I guess I knew when I read that what was to come next, however it didn't let those tears run any slower.

I cannot possibly comprehend what her & her family & friends have been through.

I know life is unfair, but it is also cruel.

Jessica had a shitload of spirit. I believe she could inspire the crippled to walk.

I'm glad she's not in pain anymore.

I really do wish I had known her.

Next cycle info

2006-05-05T12:56:00.000-04:00

I saw my RE yesterday to discuss the multiple failures. He said he doesn't intend on changing much since we made beautiful embryos. (Um...can you tell that to my so very empty uterus) Anywhoo he said we can start next cycle...yippee! I have already hit a snag in the days off for the retrieval & transfer, someone else has the 2 days I need, but I'm not going to let that get me down. I will,however, be very down when I have to come to work in pain the day after my retrieval. I'm thinking some tears & maybe a vomiting episode will get me sent home. Man I'm evil.

I believe I might try accupunture or massage therapy this time. I'm willing to try anything at this point. I also might try doing high protein during the stim phase due to my PCOS. I have read that it improves embryo quality & cuts down on OHSS. All of these things could be a bunch of crap, but I'll believe about anything right now. I'm even at the point to where I have considered driving to Orlando to touch the freaking fertility statues at Ripley's! Yes, I know I need help. But as they say desperate times call for desperate measures!

So I'm all scheduled for the next cycle & have even purchased 25 cheapy internet pregnancy tests for the 2ww. Lets all hope that this one works. I'm all about filled up on disappointment.

Vacation from hell

2006-05-01T14:09:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I don't know why I bother. I needed to get away soooooo bad. I just needed a damn break. Boy was I stupid!

My lovely trip started just fine. The flight was okay, a little bumpy but we arrived safe. The shuttle to the car rental office, just fine. Then hell breaks loose! Somewhere in between getting on the plane & arriving in my destination, I lost my drivers license. Not the worst thing in the world unless your infertile & have been trying to fight off a nervous break down for weeks. I completely loose it!! I cried hysterically for about 4 or 5 hours. My poor family went out & purchased large amounts of booze & liquored me up. That about sums up day 1.

Day 2
I wake to the worst cramps ever! I had been holding my period off so I could have a nice trip with no worries or aggravation. Yeah...that worked! We arrive in Atlantic City no problem. I go to check in, without ID, thinking I could use my credit cards & social security card. I cannot find my social security card, nervous breakdown #2 takes place. The poor check in girl lets me check in with my blue cross blue shield card. I then proceed to leave large amounts of money on the casino floor.

Day 3
My family decides to change the departure time without consulting me. While my husband & I are in the process of actually winning, my family calls & says "we are at the front desk with our luggage where are you?". WTF! I then get to fight with my husband as we cash in & run to our room to get our luggage. We arrive at the van to find that my grandmother can't get in the van & won't let anyone help her. There is a wind chill of 30 degrees & the wind is blowing about 30+ miles per hour. I am in a skirt & a linen shirt. My ass is being frozen by the second waiting for her to get into the van. A very long 15 minutes later we are in the van.
Later we arrive at my cousins. My great Aunt asks me if I think I'll get pregnant again. I, of course, tell her I don't know because I don't want to discuss it. She proceeds to tell me that she thinks I will never get pregnant because it's not meant for me to be a mom. Enter nervous breakdown #3.

Day 4
The day of my cousins little boy's communion. The ceremony is nice. The luncheon is lovely (there was a bar). After the luncheon we go back to my cousins' house. My great Aunt has the same conversation of my forever failure. Nervous breakdown #4.
(The only bright spot of the day was my license arriving via fed ex.)

Day 5
The flight home was fine. My husband says I owe him an actual vacation. I promise him anything he wants after 4 nervous breakdowns in 5 days.

Now a word from her royal crankiness

2006-04-25T10:18:00.000-04:00

I am the crankiest bitch alive! I have been trying to hold off the blood fest from the failed FET with BCP. I have put myself in a state of B-PMS(that is beyond PMS)!
I have wanted to kill at least 20 people. Everyone is annoying the shit out of me. I don't know how much more I can stand.

The only thing that is keeping me from beating the crap out of people right now is that tomorrow I leave for New York & Atlantic City. I have my favorite bar calling my name right now. I plan on spending as much of the next 5 days ADAP (as drunk as possible)!

I still haven't heard from the doctor's office regarding any additional testing prior to my next IVF. I left that nurse a message a week ago. I guess I'm going to have to go yankee on her. Boy is she gonna love that.

Nothing else going on in the infertile department. I am so not patiently waiting to start stims in June. I just want to be doing something. I hate the feeling of standing still. I want to be a mom so bad. I will never get why I have to go through all this bullshit just to have what so many people take for granted.

Feeling? yes Like crap? yes

2006-04-20T09:08:00.000-04:00

I'm at that point where I can't believe I'm going to have to wait 2 months to start the next cycle. I still want to believe that it's not over, but I know it is.

My sweet, sweet husband asked me last night if I was sure it was over. He wanted me to take another test just to be sure. I didn't have the heart to argue. He looked really crushed when I told him it was negative. I really think he thought we'd be on our way to parenthood by now. Every time I think about how disappointed he is I get all teary. I'm can't help but feel that he deserves better. He deserves a wife that can give him a family. I have a really bad feeling that I won't be able to give him what he deserves. And that thought just breaks my heart.

The story of my life

2006-04-17T09:23:00.000-04:00

I had my bloodwork done this morning. Another freaking chemical! My beta today was 2.

I had been having very faint hpt's all weekend. I kept thinking they should be getting darker. But then I had that little head fight where you think you should stop worrying because a line is a line. In the head fuck process I think I've spent $150 on hpt's. I am definitely ordering those cheapie internet pee sticks next time.

So all is over now. I have an appointment with the dr in 2 weeks so we can find out what the hell happened & what to do next. Obviously something needs to be changed in my protocol. I can't believe this one didn't work either. Damn.

6DP5DT

2006-04-13T13:25:00.000-04:00

I have peed on 5 sticks already & have only gotten inconclusive results. The 1st one was 3dp5dt & that was soooo negative. The 2nd was 4dp5dt & I think (my husband agrees) that there might be a line. The 3rd was the same night with a different brand which was negative. The 4th was 5dp5dt & again we think we see something. And the 5th was that same night & again I think there is something there. Now I know it is very early. I will not rest until beta. But I also can't help but wish I could get something definitive.

I haven't given up hope (at least not yet) & I have 6 more shiny sticks & 1 opk to pee on at my leisure! I'm trying to decide if I should take another one tonight. But knowing me I will, I can't help it,I am weak & those pee sticks are strong!

I will be sure to keep you posted on my pee stick adventures!

3DP5DT

2006-04-10T13:11:00.000-04:00

The defrost went as well as can be expected. 2 out of 3 survived. One was perfect & one was ok. But I had 2 to transfer & that made me a very happy woman.

I was a very good girl this time and stayed in bed from the time I got home Friday till this morning. My wonderful husband was my beck & call boy. He cooked me 3 squares a day. He even cleaned my kitchen & filled the dishwasher after every meal. He also ran the dishwasher & emptied it. I know I should stop you are totally jealous right now! But I couldn't have asked for a better husband!

I'm currently counting down the hours until I can go home & poas! Yes my dear blogland I know 3dp5dt is waaay too early but it's for my entertainment purposes! I have 3 nice new shiny boxes of pee sticks at home. A girl can never have too many!

I will check in with updates of my pee stick party!

2 Days till transfer

2006-04-05T09:22:00.000-04:00

I started my medrol,vibramyacin & DHA supplement this morning. I have a huge bruise on each chunky but/hip area. My sharps container is feeling needed again. And I'm in the mad dash to complete all household projects before Friday. Yup we are officially getting close!

My E2 was 853 and my progesterone was 0.9 . My lining was still a nice 10.5 mm. Now all I have to do is worry about the embryos surviving the thaw. The nurse told me yesterday that she's only had one person lose all of her embryos. I told her I hoped I wasn't the 2nd. I guess I could have asked more questions to possibly ease my worry but I was afraid of too much information. The way my little brain works I would have found every likeness I could to that person's cycle. And my poor husband would have to spend the next 2 days trying to convince me that everything is going to be okay.

I refuse to even get out of bed this time. I'm thinking that I somehow ruined the last one because I never did bed rest. I did couch potato. The embryologists said couch potato was just fine, so I did. This time bed rest means rest in bed. So no updates till I'm back on my feet, which should be Monday. I'll be hopefully incubating embryos that are going to stick around till a due date, high school graduation, retirement etc etc.

Life is so unfair

2006-03-31T11:41:00.000-05:00

I can't help but cry every time I think of Julianna. My heart breaks for her. I don't understand what the point is to all this crap. Who does all this benefit? The RE's? The infertility pharmacies? I don't think I'll ever understand why there is infertility. I'm sure someone will say to prevent over breeding. But I totally disagree.

I work in a hospital that provides over 90% of this regions charity care. Today I was waiting outside for our lunch order and saw 3 different families with over 4 children & pregnant going into the free clinic. One lady had 5 little ones in tow, 1 in the stroller & one inutero. (And no I don't believe she runs a daycare considering they all looked alike.)My question is why should they be able to have 4, 5 & 6+ and some of us can't have one? My only thought when I see these people is please stay away from each other & leave some baby souls out there for the rest of us.

I'm not saying that people who go to free clinics are not worthy. I'm just saying that sometimes it feels so unfair that we are putting tens of thousands of dollars into having one child & these people are having 4+ without a care in the world.

I was raised catholic so sometimes I can't help but think there has to be a point to all this. But I cannot possibly think of any.

There are some really great ladies out there who deserve some tiny bit of happiness. I want to wish that they get everything they're dreaming of. I wish I had a magic wand & could make it happen, for all of us.

8 days till transfer

2006-03-30T16:39:00.000-05:00

My E2 decided to do the right thing and came in at a nice 948. My lining also came in at a nice 10mm. All is well on the FET cycle homefront, for a change.

On another note, I'm beginning to think I need to wait a day before I post. I know this blog is supposed to help me vent, bitch, moan, whine & cry but looking back I feel stupid complaining about my petty shit. I'm trying to be a better blog reader & have actually commented several times lately. This is a huge leap for me. I usually feel as if I'm not worthy. Some of the lovely ladies out there are so cool & entertaining even while they are miserable. Some of my past posts put me to sleep & I wrote the shit. So I will, from here on out, try harder. Not that anyone is reading this now but maybe someday they will. And I certainly don't want to be responsible for boring someone to death.

Hope is leaving the building

2006-03-28T13:36:00.000-05:00

I keep having this recurring dream of twins. A perfect little boy & girl. I don't know if this dream is some deep desire or some desperate dream that will never come true. After my embryo transfer my husband kept asking me how the twins were. I would smile & rub my belly. Sometimes I wonder when I'll stop being so naive. The chance of me getting pregnant is pretty low & now of course the chance of me actually giving birth is dropping too. So why do I continue to dream about what will probably never be?

I can honestly say that I am not ready to give up the fight. But I am so weary. I'm fed up with failure and bad news. I'm tired of assvice. I'm tired of apologizing to my husband because I feel he deserves better. I'm tired of feeling like a complete failure. I guess I need a life nap.

No drama is not normal

2006-03-27T16:20:00.000-05:00

I went for my E2 & dildocam this morning. Lining is looking good at 8mm. The nurse said everything looks great. I should have known that my cycles never go as planned.
My E2 is half of what it's supposed to be. So I have to double my shots & have an extra visit. I know it's not like the end of the world. It's just that I never get an easy cycle. I'm really just being whiny but damn sometimes I would like to just skip along & not have to worry what can go wrong next. For me the 1st problem is just the start, it usually goes downhill from here.

Next appointment is Thursday. Hopefully something will go right.

On our way

2006-03-23T12:04:00.000-05:00

Well today is cd4. I had my first estrogen shot on cd2. Not so bad for an IM injection except for the fact the estrogen is in castor oil. I have since had this fear that I was going to gastrically explode. Something about castor oil make me think shitfest! I know that's terrible but It's all I can think about. Now back to the original subject at hand...Estrogen. I only have to shoot up on Tuesdays & Fridays, I know kinda weird. I really didn't know what to think. I mean not having to stab myself with a needle 3 times each day? What's a girl to do with her free time?

Currently I'm feeling positive at this moment. I don't really know why. I keep day dreaming about this working. I haven't yet looked up the could-possibly-be-due-date. I,for some odd reason, don't want to know. I have always looked it up as soon as cd1 hits. My 1st pregnancy was conceived in March so I have an idea of the month of the due date but other than that I'm oblivious. I think I'll stay that way until further notice.

Well my 1st date with the lab & the dildo cam is on the 27th. I will update then.

Still here

2006-03-16T13:11:00.000-05:00

I know I haven't posted in a while. Not much going on here. I'm ever so patiently looking forward to our FET. I took my last BCP last night so bring on the cramps.

I know I said I was going to move clinics but have decided not to because we have already paid for the refund program. What this means is I paid $13,800 plus $4000 for ICSI(that's for 3 ICSI for the price of 2) & I have 3 fresh cycles & 3 FET's to get pregnant. If I do not give birth to a viable infant over 26 weeks, I get my money back.

I must say the fear of running out of chances has significantly dropped. However I really don't want to think ahead to the state I'll be in if after 6 hi-tech tries & I still don't have a child. I don't know how some people do it. I know there are bloggers out there that have already had 6 IVF's & are still fighting for a child. I'm just so worn out from what I've already been through I don't think I'd make it that far.

Countdown Day 13

2006-03-06T09:29:00.000-05:00

Well my dr's office did not make me have more bloodwork. She said it was close enough. Thank goodness because I currently have track marks from all the blood draws. I think I'm going to start telling lab techs to aim for the same hole. I have a bad feeling that one day a dr is going to ask me how long have I been clean. I'm figuring they'll guess years because of my fat ass.

***

Thirteen more days until my period shows. I can't wait to get started on the FET. I feel like I'm currently stuck in slow gear. I can't help but think I could be missing a magic moment by waiting a cycle. I know it's silly but I just want a kid and I'm just so damn tired of waiting. I can't help but look at the calendar and think I should have a 3 month old in my arms right now or I should be almost 8 weeks pregnant. I hate all the missed milestones and moments I never got a chance to have.

The Never-ending Beta

2006-03-03T09:37:00.000-05:00

Would you believe my beta is still positive?!? Today the level was 2. My doctor wants it to be negative. I can't get pregnant right & I can't get rid of it right either. I'm almost positive they'll make me have another blood draw on Sunday. I'm hoping I'm wrong but we'll see.

I have received my schedule for my upcoming FET. I'm not looking forward to IM injections of estradiol but other than that it seems pretty easy. I only have 2 visits prior to transfer. That's going to be a breeze compared to the fresh cycle. So hopefully I can start everything on the 20th provided my period cooperates. If it does we'll be on our way, if it doesn't you all can look forward to many days of me bitching about my missing period. I guess if you see the title 'Where the hell is my period?' skip to the next blog.

Cranky has left the building

2006-03-01T13:10:00.000-05:00

I have since recovered from my Friday workday crankiness. I actually am still sick though! Yes people day 11 of the horrible black plague of death. I finally went to the regular doctor & my official diagnosis is sinus infection. I don't buy it, but okay give me the antibiotics & the cough syrup with codeine and I'll be on my way. So I'm finally sleeping through the night thanks to the codeine. And so is my husband thanks to the fact that I'm not coughing through the night. Now all that's left is for my voice to stop sounding like I smoke 3 packs a day. I really gotta stop asking for so much.

Unhappy Camper

2006-02-24T16:11:00.000-05:00

I was lured to work today under a lie & I'm just pissed about it. My lovely boss (insert sarcasm here) asked me to please come to work today because we have a couple of people scheduled off. Now I'm not sure where she learned the English language but in my world a couple means at least 2. So since we are an office of 5, which is really technically 4 due to an ever lazy ass team member, 2 out is a big deal. So coughing & snotting & crying my way through getting dressed & a 45 minute commute, I arrive at work to find that only one person is out. When I go to see my boss to show my face, she says " oh glad you made it" like it's a fucking surprise. We have worked together for almost 3 years, of course if she says she needs me I will drag my ass out of whatever hole I'm in. Now here is where I almost lost it, when she sees & hears how sick I still am she suggests I walk to the hospital gift shop and get some cough drops so I don't sound so bad on the phone. Um hello if you are that worried about me sounding like a damn frog on the phone you should have let me stay home!

My best friend is a fellow supervisor with my boss & always tries to find some kind of logic in the stupid things my boss does. She thinks maybe she's getting shit from her boss because I have been out a lot this year due to the IVF & the now miscarriage that coincided with the cold of death. The IVF crap was planned & booked 2 months in advance. If I could have planned ahead for the miscarriage I wouldn't have wasted my time with the IVF.

Maybe I'm just hormonal. But damn give me some slack. It's not everyday that you lose your second pregnancy after you dished out $14,000! It took me 3 months to come back the last time. You would think I wouldn't be getting all this bullshit about one week.

Out of Denial

2006-02-23T16:33:00.000-05:00

I take back what I said yesterday. This hurts. Bad.

My nervous breakdown arrived when I was half way to the RE's office. By the time I got there I was a blubbering idiot. I snotted all over the sign in sheet, the lab & the doctors desk. Some office twit had the nerve to ask me if I was okay. I'm thinking this lady works in an infertility office I can't be the only depressed woman that has ever come through here.

I demanded a copy of my medical records while I was there. I got to see my ultrasound report from Monday. There was nothing there. No sac, no enlarged uterus, nada. So my medical diagnosis is chemical.

The only thing to do now is sit back & wait for my March cycle. I'm so tired of waiting & being unhappy. Those 10 weeks last year were the best. I had never been so happy, I want to be that lady again so bad.

BTW-My beta for today was 97.

From my death bed

2006-02-22T10:35:00.000-05:00

That's the way I feel right now. If the cramps don't kill me this damn cold will. I was supposed to go to the doctor today for a re-check but I'm too damn weak to drive. They rescheduled me for tomorrow.

I'm in a weird place right now. Everyone who went through the last miscarriage with me is walking on egg shells around me. I'm upset but I'm okay. It's really hard to explain. I'm not saying that any miscarriage should me minimized but this one just doesn't hurt as much. I'm wondering if I kept myself at a distance. My husband was so excited he was already looking at baby shit. I just wasn't interested. I think my last miscarriage ruined me. I don't think I will ever have that immediate bond again. I know I can't handle being hurt like that again.

The Long Update

2006-02-21T06:25:00.000-05:00

Beta #5 277

Obviously we weren't making any progress. I didn't have to wait long to find out what was going to happen. At about 1am on Monday morning I woke to terrible cramps & bleeding. I sat up until 8am & then called the RE's office. They told me to come in for bloodwork & an ultrasound. Here is where I can show you how GREAT this office is. Not.
Stupid nurse:(she will be now known as SN) We are going to draw your blood & make sure it's not in your tube.
Me: um, kay.
I then proceed to wait for 1 1/2 hours for an ultrasound. Finally in the room stupid nurse is joined by stupid doctor or aka SD.
SD: We may not be able to see anything but we are going to check anyway.
Me: um, kay.
SD: (inserts wand monkey/immediately has confused look/looks at SN for another confused look)
SN: ( returns confused look)
SD: Is that her ovary?
SN: yeah
SD: (continues to shoot confused glances at SN)
SN: says to SD- should we wait for the bloodwork?
SD: Yeah. Says to me (yes they finally remembered I'm in the room)Well everything looks normal. Your ovaries have some cysts which is normal for IVF. We will wait for your bloodwork. I have seen ultrasounds with multiples that look like this.
Me: huh? What did you see?
SD: Well I can't really say until I see the bloodwork. That will give us the answers.
SD & SN exit room.
Me: um what just happened? I drove an hour here & waited 1.5 hours for this crap! My poor husband just looked at me.
Me: says to SN out in the hall. I just wish someone would tell me what is going on! I have known that none of this has been good & no one will tell me anything!
SN: We have seen wierder things turn out ok.
Me:(gives nurse look of death)
SN: I'll call you later with the bloodwork.

At 4:45pm I still hadn't heard from SN. I called and got the results myself. Beta #6 207. So of course it's over.
SN: I'm sorry to give you bad news.
Me: I knew it was over a week ago, but thanks anyway.click.

So I'm currently sitting here dreaming of percocet & waiting on my husband to bring me Nyquil. Yes with my super duper luck I have a terrible cold on top of all of this. The only good part about it is it's a great cover for work.

I have decided to switch RE's. I found a very small clinic here in town. They have agreed to take my frozen embryos & do my FET. I just can't deal with these people again. Waiting 9 hours for lab results is bullshit. They don't even talk to you. Every patient has a personal voice mail where they leave your results & you can call after 5pm to get them. They tell you 3:30. But after 16 voicemails it was never there before 5pm. They are too stupid & rude to get anymore of my mom's money!

Beta # 4

2006-02-17T19:19:00.000-05:00

hcg 219
p4 40

Well at least my p4 came up. It's sad that's the only positive thing I can say. I am really beginning to think this pregnancy might be ectopic. I had a huge fight with the twit at the RE's office about having an ultrasound. She told me that there is no way to tell anything before 8 weeks! I really can't believe I have paid these people over $14,000 for this crap. I would really like a chance to save my tube if possible. Now granted I am not an ectopic expert but I am a Dr.Google expert. I can search the internet for massive amounts of information regarding abnormally low betas and non doubling betas. And folks let me tell you there is no good news out there regarding this.

Well my hell continues....next beta on Sunday.

Update

2006-02-16T08:17:00.000-05:00

I got my new levels yesterday. Some how this kid is hanging on.

hcg 143
p4 23.6

Isn't it great, my progesterone dropped again. My RE's office seems concerned but not too concerned. They have upped my progesterone to 6 vaginal suppositories a day. Fun!

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for doubling again on Friday. There is not much more that I can do right now but hope* this works out. My husband & I hope* that the hcg levels are like "The Tortoise & The Hare". You know slow & steady wins the race. I have now nicknamed the embryo tortoise. Damn, I hope* this doesn't turn out badly.

* shit that's whole lot of betting on "hope"

No good news here

2006-02-13T14:41:00.000-05:00

2nd Beta = 72
p4 = 26

I know this is bad news. I just want to go home & cry in peace.

I am currently waiting for the hateful RE's office to call me about my dropping progesterone. I'm already taking 1cc of PIO & 3 vaginal prometrium suppositories. I can't imagine why my progesterone won't stay up. Okay I can imagine 1 reason but I don't want to say the "m" word just yet. Man this just sucks.

Shocked

2006-02-13T08:55:00.000-05:00

That's about the only word I can come up with right now.

For some odd reason I decided to take a hpt when I got home Friday. Well it was positive. Then that bitch hope came running full steam back into my life. I went for my beta on Saturday and here is where we stand:

beta 41
p4 28.9

Not stellar by any sense. But it's a positive & I'll take that for now. I had my second beta this morning. I can only hope that it doubles, would really prefer it to triple, but I'll just have to see. I'm trying not to get my hopes up.

Even if it does all I want it to do, there is no guarantee I'll get a baby out of the deal. I've been here before & it didn't end pretty. I'm just going with the fact that for right now I'm pregnant.

Guess who moved their beta up to Saturday?

2006-02-10T16:17:00.000-05:00

Me.

I called the ever hateful RE's office to find out about the protocol for FET. Um like 2 freakin' days ago! I finally had to call back today. I found out they make you wait a cycle in between a fresh & a frozen. That made my eyes tear up more than knowing my beta will be negative. I'm just so tired of waiting.

You know what I find really sad? The nurse didn't even ask how I knew my cycle was over. I hate this office is the only one around here that does IVF. I just hate these people. I feel like a piece of beef....Not a person. And like an ass we just gave them $14,100 for nothing. No not nothing....6 weeks of aggravation & stress. Sometimes I'm so smart.

What was I thinking

2006-02-09T08:10:00.000-05:00

Oh my god I just vomited those posts out yesterday. What the hell is wrong with me. If anyone is actually reading this they will determine that IF drugs cause brain damage.

Is there such a thing as premature ejaculation of a post?

My Story Part 4

2006-02-08T12:36:00.000-05:00

Once I regained composure & was able to get dressed without crying, I dragged my sorry ass back to work. Like the stubborn idiots we are we decided to try again.

Repronex-shitty e2-6 follicles-negative

You know I just realized I could have saved you the last couple of posts of 'my story' torture by just repeating that line!

next month-Gonal-F-shitty e2-7 follicles-negative

When my mom called to see if I had taken a test yet,I told her no need period came a day early. After she finished crying, she told me to do IVF. She said she would pay for it she didn't care about the money she just wanted a grandchild. So here we are. ( It's okay to say thank fucking god this damn story is over!!)

BCP-Microdose Ovidrel-Gonal-F-Antegon-e2 7250-18 retrieved-17 mature & ICSI'd-13 fertilized normally-2 awesome 8 celled transferred-3 blasts in the deep freeze

I'm currently 10dp3dt I've already had 5 negatives & 2 I'm pretty damn sure those are evaporation lines not positive lines. I refuse to pee on anything else. I will wait for my beta on the 12th.

I guess I could have made one long post but I was hoping to keep you glued to the screen with the long drawn out process!

PS I just wanted to send my thoughts to Amanda who has gotten some pretty shitty news in the last 2 days.

My Story Part 3

2006-02-08T12:09:00.000-05:00

A year later we were ready to get our asses kicked again so we went back for more! My drug of choice this time was Repronex. And as always 2 weeks later...negative. And now we had a new problem. My e2 failed to rise to correlate with my follicles..fun huh? When I triggered I had 8 mature follicles by ultrasound but my e2 was 228. My doctor had been talking of doing a rescue IVF because I had more follicles than they would allow for IUI, but when he saw the e2 he was no longer worried. The chance of me having more than mature egg in there was slim to none.
The next month they put me on an IVF protocol & at the last minute I chickened out and they converted to an IUI. 2 weeks later I knew this was different. I was supposed to test on a Wednesday (the day after my period was due) but I didn't want to go to work upset if the news was bad. I waited until Saturday...and it was positive. I was in shock. I had waited so long & I just couldn't believe it! I peed on 20 something sticks before my first ultrasound. At 10 weeks I had my 1st ob appointment...I scored another ultrasound, which as we all know it's like winning the infertile lottery, I saw the most beautiful sight I had ever seen. My baby kicking & waving his arms & the sound of the most beautiful heartbeat I had ever heard. At my next appointment 4 weeks later the doctor was going to try the doppler & after 5 minutes she said they're so hard to find at this age...let's do an ultrasound. Thirty minutes later I would have given anything for someone to kill me. I was 14 weeks and my baby had died at 11 weeks, I didn't know. I had been talking to a corpse for 3 fucking weeks! I believe this is the point where I proceeded to have multiple nervous breakdowns. I had to take a 3 month leave of absence from work..I was in therapy & on prescription drugs. I thought that going through infertility was painful....I had no fucking idea what pain was until I went through this.

My Story Part 2

2006-02-08T11:51:00.000-05:00

When my current husband & I moved in together I told him of my sorted past. He was totally okay with this of course because his sperm would be so much better than my exes! (Gotta love male ego)We decided that whatever happens is okay & we decided not to prevent anything. And as you all know 1 1/2 years later I was back in the doctors office. Clomid was about the powerful thing I could get. All I kept hearing was you're so young what's the rush. (Insert you own swear of choice here)I finally, after 7 years, got enough balls to find another doctor & demand what I wanted. I hope you're sitting down because the doctor said " um, why did you wait so long?" WTF! I had been to at least 5 different docs over the years & got the same old bullshit. Now this one wanted to know why I had waited! We finally had our 1st IUI with the assistance of clomid. I was so naive...I was sure this was it..2 weeks later I cried my eyes out at the doctors office when they told me my test was negative. I had already peed on 5 at home but I was sure they were wrong so like a dumbass I drove across town so I could hear negative to my face! Very smart of me!
We would try again the next month with Gonal-F....no positive & a shitload of ovarian cysts! yeah!

My story Part 1

2006-02-08T11:43:00.000-05:00

I stopped taking bcp 3 months after I married my 1st husband. He was in the military, I didn't work so what else was there to do besides have a baby. Who knew what a world of shit I was opening up for myself. After 6 months I decided we should see a doctor. A shitload of blood draws & painful tests later I learned I had PCOS & my husband had a low count. Clomid was my drug of choice then. Several cycles, negative pee sticks & tears later, my husband left me for his patrol partner....they went on to have a daughter. I was so fucking happy for them...yeah right.

Hello I'm a virgin blogger...please be gentle....

2006-02-08T10:27:00.000-05:00

I've been reading blogs & delurking for over a year now. Sometimes I feel as if I should comment on other peoples post but I somehow don't feel worthy. I've been searching all infertility info on the web to somehow understand how it's possible that I've been trying to have a baby for 12 years. It's actually scary typing that number. I'm currently on the verge of my 1st failed IVF & I'm hoping to share my ups & downs (probably more downs than ups) of this turbulent ride of infertility.