Empty Arms

He's home

2009-03-31T10:11:00.003-04:00

My brother came home Friday. He seems to be doing better. He understands what he did hurt a lot of people. He is undergoing counseling . I just hope he stays on the path to recovery. I can't carry the entire family anymore. I am totally spent. This week was hell for me. I was trying to make sure my brother got taken care of & take care of his business. I also had to keep my extended family at bay because my mom was a mess.
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Taking care of all this mess I missed my window for ovulation. I also had to start retaking my kidney meds because my kidney's were screaming in pain. One of my meds is a class C. So I had to stop the meds to avoid any birth defects that might occur should I actually be able to conceive.
I'm beginning to realize that having another child is so not meant to be. I keep hitting brick walls. And my head can only take so much.

Why can't life be simple

2009-03-23T03:57:00.002-04:00

My brother attempted suicide yesterday. I don't even know where to begin.
It's now almost 4am. I've been awake since the hospital called at 2am to let me know he's been transferred to an inpatient facility about 3 hours away. They had difficulty finding a facility to treat alcohol & drug abuse along with severe depression & suicide attempt.
I don't know how to process all this.

I'm back, I think

2009-03-20T07:48:00.003-04:00

My little miracle just turned 2. He is 27lbs & 33 inches. All boy & too, too cute!

I've neglected this blog for so long. No excuse really, just life.

I, of course, have been spending the last 6 months dreaming of that "miraculous spontaneous pregnancy after IVF". I've always had that little thought in the back of my mind. But it's been consuming my night & days. I've gotten to where I can't even check in with old blogs. Everytime I do, someone has already given birth to their 2nd or 3rd! I look at the new baby pics & bawl. I didn't think I would ever feel like I did before I had my son. I feel like I'm back at the bottom again. Infertility hurts so bad. I don't know how people heal. It so damn frustrating. The pain never goes away, does it?

I went back to the IVF clinic & my doc just laughed when I asked if we could try some cheaper low tech procedures! (Can you here the evil laugh now. HA,hahahah after 3 IVF's you think a little injectable IUI will get you pregnant?!?!? HA, hahahah) So I have been thinking of ways to pay for IVF again! Unfortunately the housing market blows, so refinancing is out of the question. I could charge it but again the economy is so scary , if something happened to my husband's job I'd never be able to pay it off. And I'd have no emergency cash flow. So I'm attempting the do-able yet hope it pays off job hunt for companies that provide IVF coverage.

I have been working for my brother's construction company which currently is holding on by a soaking wet thread. I worked full time while working for him before so I can do it again, however I do have a toddler to throw into the mix. But my mom just retired so I have a little back-up. We did buy a new house in March 2008 & we live in the same neighborhood so I definitely have convenience on my side.

I know I've been home for every major milestone that my son has had. But man it breaks my heart to even think about missing a single second of his little life. He always manages to do something new. Not earth shattering but damn cute! I just hate the thought of going back to work. Everytime I look at him a get a pang of guilt. Like I should just except the gift that I was given & not to be greedy for more. I then try to remind myself that it's perfectly natural to want more children & that I'd be giving my son something not taking away.

Happy New Year (belated)

2008-01-02T06:43:00.001-05:00

Here are some xmas pics for your viewing pleasure! As you can see from the 1st pic xmas was way too much work. The 2nd pic was gift opening at my mom's. And the last pic was xmas morning at our house. (If I am remembering correctly-he was abandoning his pile of gifts for the dog food bowl that I forgot to pick up!)

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I hate New Year resolutions. I try every year not to make some crazy promise to myself that will never come to pass. However I couldn't help but look over at my son sleeping in his crib & think of him. Things I need to do & change for him.

I really need to get my pcos under control. I'm at such a high risk for diabetes & with my MTHFR I doubled my chances for strokes & blood clots. I also can't help but wonder if any of this shit has to do with my kidneys. (Which, btw, have started hurting on a regular basis again!) I know I need to call the dr about them but I so, so, so hate Dukey! They may be one of the top ten hospitals in the US, but in my opinion they suck. I have had such horrible experiences there. My husband,on the other hand, loves them & I mean lurve! He spent 2 years in their burn unit when he was little. They saved his life, for that I am grateful, but I have a feeling a lot has changed since the 70's. Anywhoo, I have put myself on the diabetes diet. I am already on metformin due to my insulin resistance so the diet, I'm hoping, can only help control the pcos symptoms.

I'm so hoping that 2008 is a year of great things to come. I entered 2007 so nervous that I'd lose my boy. I still wasn't sure he make it even after I heard his cry. I've spent a lot of nights checking his breathing & so has my husband. Well let me rephrase, my husband wakes me & asks me to go check on him. So between the two of us I don't think I'll ever sleep through the night again!

This past year, once he was born, has flown by. I can't believe he'll be 10 months old tomorrow. I already need to start planning his birthday. I know that sounds crazy since I have 2 months, but I'm an Italian yankee & every party has to be big & impressive & contain way too much food! I don't know how to throw a party any other way. (Which reminds me again that I owe you a Christening post.)

Well here's to 2008! I'm hoping everyones wishes come true this year!

Updates Galore

2007-12-19T18:55:00.000-05:00

I have so much to fill you in on. First I'll update on Alex. He had his 9 month check up & now is 18lbs 4oz & 28 in! He gotten so big. He has 4 teeth. He is crawling all over & is just starting to pull up.

We did have a little health scare both with me & him. That is the reason for the delayed posting.

Alex had an unexplained fever for 4 days, he had no other symptoms so I just thought it was teething. He also had a doctors appointment on day 4 so I wasn't worried. Well the dr was. Fast forward to 4 hours & 6 needle sticks later we were told to wait 72 hours for a blood culture. The dr wanted to be safe & gave him a shot of antibiotics. We went home to nap & when we woke up Alex had a fever of 104.5! Of course I freaked, the nurse, however, gave me a list of things to do & called an hour later to check. Luckily I got the fever down to 100 & the dr even called an hour after that to check on him. The next day we started him on oral antibiotics & waited paiently for the blood results. The culture had been contaminated in the lab. So after chewing my nails to the quick wondering what alien illness my son had, I'll now never know. He then developed a congested cough after being on antibiotics for a week. He stills has this damn cough so today we are going back for a recheck. Hopefully there will be no more needles!

My health scare is my kidneys. If you look back on my post from a year ago, I almost spent Christmas in the hospital due to a kidney stone. The pain left & we assumed I passed it. The week after Alex was born I thought I had a bladder infection from the catheter, the dr agreed & antibiotics were consumed. I spent the next 3 months trying every antibiotic there was to get rid of the stupid infection. My ob decided she was tired of me & sent me to a urologist who not so quickly disovered my malfunction. The stone we thought I passed was actually lodged in my ureter blocking urine from entering my bladder on the left side. The urine, since it couldn't escape, kept backing up into my kidney causing a major infection. I had several nights where my husband was ready to drive me the hospital, the fevers were awful 103+. After several scans it was determined that I had so many stones it was going to require 2 surgeries. The first surgery was to remove the stone that was blocking my ureter. The surgery itself wasn't so bad but the stent that stayed in for a week was a torture that I don't wish on anybody!! The best way I can describe it is to imagine a PVC pipe cut with a hand saw shoved up your wazoo & with each step it rubs. Yeah, real fun! The 2nd surgery was a whole lot more involved. Since the stones were so large, golf ball size (no I'm not exaggerating) I had to have open kidney surgery. The surgeons went in through my back to remove 6 stones from my left kidney. I was at the point to where just a month delay in surgery could have cost me my kidney. The stones were so large that parts of my kidney were not functioning. My right one also needs the surgery but they are waiting for some further testing. Our current goal is to determine why I am growing such extremely large stones. The dr's are baffled because 1-I'm a girl 2-I'm young 3-They are freakin' HUGE! We are talking case study people! The right kidney, luckily, is in a lot better shape then my left one was. So we have some time for investigation.

So that's what I've been up to. I need to write a post about Alex's Christening. I just realized that I never did that. It was in July. I kinda suck at this blogging thing. Well time to run, I have to get in the shower before Alex wakes up & requires my undivided attention!

I owe you some updates

2007-10-02T10:09:00.001-04:00

Here is Alex at 6months.
Stats: 16lbs
26 inches

Here is Alex at 4 months.
Stats: 14lbs 1oz
24 inches

I can't believe my little boy is going to be 7 months tomorrow. He is growing too, too fast. He is starting to get on all fours & rock his butt. It's just a matter of time before he's burning up my carpet! He is the light of my life. He also suffers from a severe case of mommy-itis. He is so attached to me. It breaks my husbands heart when he starts to get fussy while my husband is holding him & he reaches for me. When he's unhappy the only person he wants is me. It makes my heart swell beyond it's boundaries.

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I do find it strange that I can't stop thinking about having another baby. I don't know how the hell I could do it. But it fills my mind when I'm not focused on my son. I have always wanted a big family. I used to wish that I'd get pregnant in high school. I took way too many chances when my ex-husband & I were dating. You would think that would have given me a clue that my parts were broken.

My mind keeps drifting back to a psychic I saw after I lost the first baby. She said that I would have 3 children, 2 boys & a girl. I want to so believe that this would come true. However, I also can't help but think this was a psychic that worked on the boardwalk in Atlantic City. But I'm holding on to this very thin thread of hope, praying that her "vision" is real. I guess that's all that I have for now.

15 Weeks

2007-06-18T11:17:00.001-04:00

Here is the love of my life at 15 weeks old!! How can you not love this face?

Sorry for the posting hiatus I have been so crazy busy. I have started working for my brother's construction company full time. It's not so bad since I get to bring Alex with me. Not many people can have a pack-n-play sitting in their office, so I'm pretty lucky. I'm also lucky because when my boss pisses me off I can go all big sister on him & call him a stupid asshole & still have a job at the end of the day! I've also been busy planning Alex's Christening. I been booking caterers ,ordering cake & table ware, you'd think I was planning a wedding. My whole family is coming down from New York so things are definitely going to be crazy. I don't think I'd enjoy it any other way.

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Alex is growing by leaps & bounds. At his last checkup 2 weeks ago he weighed 12lbs 3oz! I kinda wish he would slow down on the growth. I don't know if I'll ever get to do this again so I'm wanting this little baby stage to last as long as possible. We of course have been wishing for a miracle natural pregnancy after IVF. I know it's probably not very likely but one can wish.

I'll post an update after his 4 month check up next week.

2 months

2007-05-04T10:38:00.000-04:00

I can't believe my little boy is already 2 months old. I find it amazing that you can love a little person so much. We have had some rough times with reflux, but I wouldn't trade any moment for anything.

Here are his stats:

9lbs 11oz

21 1/2 inches long

Birth story

2007-04-02T17:21:00.000-04:00

I know this has taken forever. Here it goes!

On Friday 3/02 at 10:15pm my husband & I were watching TV when all of a sudden I felt a pop & a gush. I told my husband I either just peed in my pants or my water broke. Well when I got up to go to the bathroom to check I discovered that indeed my water had broken. This, however, wouldn't have been a problem had I been ready to go to the hospital. My bag wasn't completely packed & I still needed to do laundry. And to make matters worse I hadn't shaved that day! So as my husband ran around in a panic collecting what we needed , I hopped in the shower to shave & to clean up all the amniotic fluid.

We got to the hospital around 11pm. When the doc checked me I was at 1 1/2 centimeters. He thought it would go quickly & we were in a room before midnight. At around 2am I decided I needed something for pain. The nurse checked me & told me I was at 3 centimeters. I almost had a stroke, so much for this going quickly. I tried to sleep & soon enough the day doc was in to check me. It was now around 7:30am. I was only at 4cm!! She decided to give me an epidural & start pitocin. She said she would re-check me around 10am. I never made it to that check. The baby started showing signs of distress every time I had a contraction. I was prepped & rushed to have a c-section.

The cutting part seemed to take forever. I just wanted to make sure the baby was ok. I'll never forget that sweet sound of him crying. I just looked at my husband & we were both crying. His apgars were great at 9 & 9. This was great news considering my son's problem with labor was his cord was around his neck. As he was trying to get further into the birth canal he was stuck due to the cord. This also explains the delay in my dilating.

They gave my son to my husband & he took him to meet my mom. I was stuck to the table while they put all my parts back. I then had to go to recovery for 30 minutes. This was pure damn torture. I wanted to hold my son. I was only able to rub his cheek with one finger because I was strapped to the table. After what seemed like an eternity I was wheeled to my room where my husband, mom & son were waiting for me.

I will never forget the first time they handed him to me. The hospital where I delivered has a safety system called hugs & kisses. I had a band with a computer chip on it & so did my son. Whenever the correct mom is given her baby it plays a lullaby. If the wrong baby is given to a mom an alarm sounds. That sweet music made me smile every time I picked him up. I remember the very first night I took a nap while my husband watched Alex breath in the bassinet. I had a terrible nightmare that the baby didn't make it. I woke up hysterically crying. My husband picked Alex up & handed him to me & that sweet lullaby played. It was all I could do during the rest of our hospital stay not to cry tears of joy whenever the lullaby played. I almost wish I could have taken it home with me. I miss that sweet sound.

This past month has gone by so fast. I truly can't believe my pregnancy is all over & I'm some one's mom. Both my husband & I are in love with this little person who has no regard for the difference between night & day. My every moment is consumed with him & yet sometimes it just doesn't seem real.

The most wonderful moment of my life....

2007-03-07T15:50:00.000-05:00

the birth of my son.

Alexander Riley

March 3, 2007

10:33 am

6 pounds 12 ounces

19 5/8 inches

I will post the birth story later. Nothing went as planned (obviously) but he's here, healthy & the most beautiful baby my husband & I have ever seen. I am so overwhelmed with emotion right now. Enjoy my tangled mess of pics.

Progress update

2007-02-22T15:56:00.000-05:00

I am 50% effaced and dilated 1 cm. So hopefully I won't be in labor too long. I want that drug to work quickly & get this little boy here & safe.

We now have 14 days until induction.

I missed my own anniversary

2007-02-21T11:26:00.000-05:00

I just realized that I have been posting on this blog for a year. I wonder if anyone has gotten anything out of it. I really have no idea if more than 1 person actually reads this. But I continue to post. Maybe out of desperation to not explode with worry. Not like it eliminates the worry but maybe somehow misdirects it.

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I have spent most of the morning re-reading blogs of infertiles that have become parents & I realized I'm not such a freak after all. Sure I have come across a few that still feel infertile but embraced the fact that they were having a real live baby. But for the most part even up to the point where their squirming babies were put in their arms it still didn't feel real to them. They still had a fear that something could still go wrong even during delivery.

I really do wonder if my fear will ever go away. My husband thinks I will have a chair next to the crib so I can watch him sleep. I can't say he's not close to being right. But I'm assuming at some point I'll need to eat & sleep. I can only hope that I can trust my angel care monitor. (yes I have that monitor that goes under the crib mattress & can detect if no movement , even breathing, has not occurred within 20 seconds)

My husband has been doing a little internet reading on induction & managed to stumble upon stillbirths. Now he's an overly nervous neurotic who has been checking on the baby's kicks about 10+ times a day. He never realized that something could go so wrong this late in the game. Um why do you think I still check the baby's heartbeat 3x a day!? Now he's reading up on inducing labor. He now wants this kid out....NOW! He had all these ideas of how to induce labor last night. This , however , is very funny to me because we have been so terrified of something going wrong we have only had sex 4x since I've been pregnant. The last time being when I was like 18 weeks pregnant. Last week I could have promised the world & my husband wouldn't touch me with a 10 foot pole. Last night I had to pry his hands off of me. I did learn one very valuable lesson, the idea of nipple stimulation to bring on contractions is so damn true! I could never do that for 15 minutes on each side like the midwives say. The 2 minutes my husband cornered me brought on the most powerful braxton hicks! I had to draw an invisible line on the family room floor & threaten him if he dare pass it.

I have my 2nd to last appointment tomorrow. Hopefully I have had some progress. My cervix was already soft last week so maybe we'll have some effacement & possibly some dilation this week. I'm only hoping for some progress to ensure I won't have some crazy 30 hour labor with meds to ripen the cervix & then meds to start labor. I'm really hoping I can just have the labor starting meds & skip the 12 hour cervix prep stage.

That's all for today. I'll update on Friday with cervical changes.

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As of today we have 15 days until induction.

Pictures of the nursery

2007-02-19T08:03:00.000-05:00

So there it is. A little packed right now because I refuse to let anything baby leave this room. I really have to stop being such a freak!

BTW: 17 days to go until induction!

We have a date!

2007-02-15T14:43:00.000-05:00

I have an official induction date! I am scheduled to be induced on March 8th. I feel so good having a day. I just want him out & safely in my arms. I don't hate being pregnant. I actually marvel in every movement, squirm or hiccup. I just wish I could have enjoyed it more. I've been so terrified of something going wrong...it has taken some of the joy & excitement out of it.

My husband is excited but was hoping they would induce me on Saturday the 10th so they could share a birthday. But he's now looking forward to watching ACC tournament with his son. (It starts on the 8th.)

My mother is beside herself. I think she has burned up every phone line from here to New York sharing the news. Southwest Airlines had better get some extra help soon, my family will be on the phone booking tickets to be here! That's the one good & bad drawback about being Italian. We are always in each others business & up each others ass!

I can't believe I know what day my son will be born. It just amazes me. I have waited so very long for this child. I can't believe that I could actually have him in my arms in 21 days!

DBT's*

2007-01-22T10:52:00.000-05:00

Why can't I relax? I am so terrified everyday that something can still go wrong. I'm 32 weeks & 2 days but I'm so scared of crazy irrational fears. Rare cord accidents or just a sudden death with no reason. I still use the doppler several times a day & damn those kick counts....I find any excuse to do them at least 3 times a day! How is that for neurotic!?!
I won't let my husband have any baby stuff anywhere in this house but the baby's room. This way if something does happen I can at least still come into this house. However the only way I'll be able to come into this house, should something happen, is going to be on massive amounts of antipsycotic drugs...if they can prevent me from just being too depressed to breath. I thought maybe I'd relax at some point. Even with all the complications I had, I find myself worrying more the closer we get to his due date. I think it may possibly be because I'm so ready for him. I have diapers, wipes, bottles, formula, clothes, blankets & every piece of baby gear known to man.
I have waited so long to hold my child in my arms...and almost seem like a normal family....couple & child. I don't want to field "do you have children?" questions anymore. I don't want to hate happy families with their stroller full of 2.5 kids. I don't have the option of trying again. This is it for me & that is scary. If something were to happen...I don't get to try again. I don't get a second chance. This little boy has to make it.....because if he doesn't I won't.

*dead baby thoughts

After the shower

2007-01-16T15:28:00.000-05:00

I had my shower on Saturday. It was some affair. All my family came down from New York. We had a sit down lunch complete with filet mignon, lobster and lots of appetizers. I got so many gifts my husband had to rent a cargo van to get the gifts home! It was so surreal....I have waited so long to have my own baby shower. I don't even want to talk about the tears that were shed by all. They were tears of joy though, we have all been waiting on this baby. My poor mom tried to give a speech and cried in her wine!

So the baby's room has really come together. I just need little stuff....bath wash, laundry detergent, meds to keep handy & grooming stuff. Everything is assembled & in order. I am so ready for this baby to be born! I just want to relax. And I won't be able to do that until he is safe in my arms.

Well my next appointment is tomorrow. As of right now my doctor thinks I'll have him in 5 to 7 weeks. Everyone keeps telling me that it's going to fly by so fast. I'll just be so happy to have him in my arms.

No new complications!

2007-01-03T12:14:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I haven't managed to obtain another complication. It's very shocking to me. I do however have the worst cold imaginable. It's very hard not to od on Nyquil & feel better. But my number one priority is this baby & Nyquil is not good for him. So I'll suffer. I have sugar free cough drops,sugar free Robitussin, antibiotics & a shit load of tissues. Hopefully I'll kick this by the weekend. There are so many things that need to be done. All of my family will be here on the 11th. And of course everyone wants to see the baby's room. So lots to do!

I'll be 30 weeks on Saturday....wow I can't believe we are in the home stretch...I might actually bring a baby home.

Complications

2006-12-28T07:14:00.000-05:00

I find it amazing that I couldn't do getting pregnant right & now I can't do pregnant right.

Let's due a brief recap....1)Failed the gestational diabetes test. Have to have the 3 hour. Fuck, shit, piss.
2)On the phone 5 times with the on call doc in extreme pain...pre term labor? who knows....just head to labor & delivery asap. Several stressful hours later I have my diagnosis...kidney stones! I am given the option to be admitted to have IV fluids pushed along with pain meds & the promise to hopefully be out before xmas or pain meds, drink lots of water & come back to the hospital on xmas eve for a re-check. I of course chose option home. I regretted this decision about 45 minutes after we left the hospital. I cannot even begin to describe the pain.
3)Xmas eve re-check...stress test fine, little boy fine, blood pressure bad, protein in urine bad. Doc gleefully tells me if my labs come back abnormal I will be admitted until this kid is born. Luckily labs come back normal.
4)Failed 3 hour gestational diabetes test. Fuck,shit,piss.
5)Regular weekly check-up. Blood pressure bad, bad, bad. Now have to go to the office twice a week.

So in short I have gestational diabetes & preeclampsia. I'll be 29 weeks on Saturday. I am on strict bedrest. I have to keep this kid in at least another 3 weeks. I would prefer 7 or 8. I need to have very close monitoring to ensure I don't develop HELLP or eclampsia.

Man I feel like such a failure.

Week 3 on bedrest

2006-12-14T12:52:00.000-05:00

Went to the doc yesterday. I still have high blood pressure but no edema. We drew some more HELLP blood work to keep an eye on the preeclampsia. I'll be having an ultrasound next week to check on the placenta previa.

I was supposed to have my gestational diabetes test yesterday but I forgot to drink the orange syrup. I'm a real piece of work, my current job is to incubate this kid to the best of my ability & I forget to take a test for him. Yup I'm gonna be a great mom!

This Saturday starts the 3rd trimester. I'm excited & scared & maybe even a little depressed to get to this milestone. I'm excited because I am so close to finally holding this little boy in my arms. I'm scared because so much can still go wrong. I could go rapidly down hill & this baby may or may not make it if he was born tomorrow. And I'm a little depressed because I have spent this entire pregnancy in such fear. I haven't been able to enjoy it because I was always so afraid of losing this baby. I'm still worried now. I can, with all honesty, say that if something were to happen to this baby today...I would never recover. Never.

Another unexpected update

2006-12-07T09:26:00.000-05:00

Well it looks like I might be home for good. Nothing new on the placenta previa, but I now have high blood pressure & am spilling protein in my urine. Yup the very beginning of preeclampsia. I am now keeping my feet up or laying on my left side as much as possible. I have got to keep this kid in here until at least 32 weeks. That's 6 1/2 weeks I have to keep him safe in utero. I am having to go to the doc at least once a week, provided nothing changes. If things get bad...Hospital bedrest on steroids for the baby's lungs to mature faster. My husband is a nervous wreck. I'm trying to convince him that there is no need to worry until the doc says worry.

I have my gestational diabetes test next week. Please let me pass that. I think I'm all filled up with complications for now.

Not the update you were expecting...

2006-12-04T11:35:00.000-05:00

I had my appointment on Wednesday of last week. My little boy looked great. I still have placenta previa but the doc isn't worried. So I finally decided to kinda sorta... Relax.

Thursday morning I'm at work minding my own business when my always full bladder came calling. Now picture me in stall with a wad of toilet paper covered in blood. Not the spotting kind either...The period kind. Panic then ensues. I call the doc & my husband. Less than 30 minutes later my blood pressure being taking at the ob office is making the nurse stroke out. My placenta previa decided to show it's ugly face & I am now on bedrest. My little boy is just fine & seems totally oblivious to what's going on. I go back on Wednesday to see what the plan is.

I have just one little fact that I will be explaining to the doc. And that is he had better be damn sure we are doing everything we can to save this baby. There will be no saying you can always have another baby. There are no second chances for me.

Where to begin...

2006-11-20T18:46:00.000-05:00

Today I hit 23 weeks. 1 week away from possible viability & 3 weeks away till the 3rd trimester. Very surreal if you ask me.

I'm having another ultrasound next week to check on my low lying placenta. I really don't need extra complications but I hate work so bad right now I could deal with scheduled bed rest & c-section. I know I don't need to wish for problems. I don't even want to know what the worst case scenario is. I will just be so happy to see my little boy again during the ultrasound.

On the topic of my little boy. He's been working on giving his mother a stroke. I had a little scare last week (I'll fill you in a minute)& he was so active that day. Even though I was dealing with trauma, I wasn't worried about him, he was letting me know all day that he was ok. Now he has been so quiet since! This kid is going to be grounded when he gets out of here. I mean I have felt him move but so infrequently & far between that I have been wearing out the Doppler.

Now onto my trauma. Last Wednesday I was getting out of the shower & felt something run down my face. I go to wipe it away thinking it was water. Oh how wrong I was! It was blood & a lot of it! It was coming from my nose & I could not get it to stop. I was screaming for my husband. I had a puddle of blood in each hand. It was dripping on the floor. It was a damn crime scene. This super flow bleed lasted for 25 minutes!!! After I paged the on call OB, I started to blow dry my hair & bleeding started again. Another 15 minutes of blood loss sent me to the ENT doc to get my nose scoped & cauterized! Sounds like a heap of fun, huh?!?

That's all for now I'll check in next week after the ultrasound.

Another boring post

2006-11-06T18:34:00.000-05:00

Today I hit 21 weeks. I am supposed to bring this boy home in 19 weeks or so. So why am I still so nervous? I check the heartbeat twice a day. And I freak whenever I go too long without movement. I spent yesterday & today a mess because he was so quiet. I was even crying when I was able to go for 4 hours yesterday without needing to eat. I swear I am going to have to put Prozac in this kid's bottle. My nervousness is going to put this kid in therapy.

My next appointment is a week away. I think I'll be begging for an ultrasound. I just need to see him again. My poor doctor...He'll probably send me a bill for a cruise that he had to take for his mental health!

Nothing else to report...I think the title really says it all. I'll check in after my appt next week.

Just a quick update

2006-10-18T09:19:00.000-04:00

I had my 18 week appointment yesterday. All is well besides my iron ...But I enjoy adding more drugs to my regimen. So I get to add Iron...Yeah! Bring on the constipation.
My house now contains a painted nursery & an assembled crib. It's all very scary to me. I actually asked the doctor yesterday if I was actually going to bring a kid home...He said yeah...Stop worrying! Easy for him to say...He's not an infertile neurotic like I am.
And one last little topic we think we decided on a name...Alexander Riley. No one as poopooed it yet....Except for my brother who wanted to know why we weren't naming his nephew after him!

Next appt is 11/14/06. I'll try to check in before then. Hopefully it will be more exciting than this.

The verdict is in

2006-10-10T07:49:00.000-04:00

I had my level II ultrasound yesterday. The baby looks great! Everything is growing exactly as it should. All the itty bitty organs are great also! And the grand finale is it's a boy!

I am shocked. I would have went to Vegas & put money down that it was a girl. The tech guessed boy & then the doc confirmed! I haven't even looked at boy stuff that's how convinced I was. So now we have changed gears to prepare for a little boy.

This seems so surreal to me. I can actually think of this baby as a person instead of a maybe. I really just can't believe I have gotten this far. My only fear now is that I have so much more to lose should something happen.

We are having a son...Wow it's just bizarre to say that.