He's home

My brother came home Friday. He seems to be doing better. He understands what he did hurt a lot of people. He is undergoing counseling . I just hope he stays on the path to recovery. I can't carry the entire family anymore. I am totally spent. This week was hell for me. I was trying to make sure my brother got taken care of & take care of his business. I also had to keep my extended family at bay because my mom was a mess.
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Taking care of all this mess I missed my window for ovulation. I also had to start retaking my kidney meds because my kidney's were screaming in pain. One of my meds is a class C. So I had to stop the meds to avoid any birth defects that might occur should I actually be able to conceive.
I'm beginning to realize that having another child is so not meant to be. I keep hitting brick walls. And my head can only take so much.

Why can't life be simple

My brother attempted suicide yesterday. I don't even know where to begin.
It's now almost 4am. I've been awake since the hospital called at 2am to let me know he's been transferred to an inpatient facility about 3 hours away. They had difficulty finding a facility to treat alcohol & drug abuse along with severe depression & suicide attempt.
I don't know how to process all this.

I'm back, I think

My little miracle just turned 2. He is 27lbs & 33 inches. All boy & too, too cute!

I've neglected this blog for so long. No excuse really, just life.

I, of course, have been spending the last 6 months dreaming of that "miraculous spontaneous pregnancy after IVF". I've always had that little thought in the back of my mind. But it's been consuming my night & days. I've gotten to where I can't even check in with old blogs. Everytime I do, someone has already given birth to their 2nd or 3rd! I look at the new baby pics & bawl. I didn't think I would ever feel like I did before I had my son. I feel like I'm back at the bottom again. Infertility hurts so bad. I don't know how people heal. It so damn frustrating. The pain never goes away, does it?

I went back to the IVF clinic & my doc just laughed when I asked if we could try some cheaper low tech procedures! (Can you here the evil laugh now. HA,hahahah after 3 IVF's you think a little injectable IUI will get you pregnant?!?!? HA, hahahah) So I have been thinking of ways to pay for IVF again! Unfortunately the housing market blows, so refinancing is out of the question. I could charge it but again the economy is so scary , if something happened to my husband's job I'd never be able to pay it off. And I'd have no emergency cash flow. So I'm attempting the do-able yet hope it pays off job hunt for companies that provide IVF coverage.

I have been working for my brother's construction company which currently is holding on by a soaking wet thread. I worked full time while working for him before so I can do it again, however I do have a toddler to throw into the mix. But my mom just retired so I have a little back-up. We did buy a new house in March 2008 & we live in the same neighborhood so I definitely have convenience on my side.

I know I've been home for every major milestone that my son has had. But man it breaks my heart to even think about missing a single second of his little life. He always manages to do something new. Not earth shattering but damn cute! I just hate the thought of going back to work. Everytime I look at him a get a pang of guilt. Like I should just except the gift that I was given & not to be greedy for more. I then try to remind myself that it's perfectly natural to want more children & that I'd be giving my son something not taking away.