DBT's*

Why can't I relax? I am so terrified everyday that something can still go wrong. I'm 32 weeks & 2 days but I'm so scared of crazy irrational fears. Rare cord accidents or just a sudden death with no reason. I still use the doppler several times a day & damn those kick counts....I find any excuse to do them at least 3 times a day! How is that for neurotic!?!
I won't let my husband have any baby stuff anywhere in this house but the baby's room. This way if something does happen I can at least still come into this house. However the only way I'll be able to come into this house, should something happen, is going to be on massive amounts of antipsycotic drugs...if they can prevent me from just being too depressed to breath. I thought maybe I'd relax at some point. Even with all the complications I had, I find myself worrying more the closer we get to his due date. I think it may possibly be because I'm so ready for him. I have diapers, wipes, bottles, formula, clothes, blankets & every piece of baby gear known to man.
I have waited so long to hold my child in my arms...and almost seem like a normal family....couple & child. I don't want to field "do you have children?" questions anymore. I don't want to hate happy families with their stroller full of 2.5 kids. I don't have the option of trying again. This is it for me & that is scary. If something were to happen...I don't get to try again. I don't get a second chance. This little boy has to make it.....because if he doesn't I won't.

*dead baby thoughts