DBT's*

Why can't I relax? I am so terrified everyday that something can still go wrong. I'm 32 weeks & 2 days but I'm so scared of crazy irrational fears. Rare cord accidents or just a sudden death with no reason. I still use the doppler several times a day & damn those kick counts....I find any excuse to do them at least 3 times a day! How is that for neurotic!?!
I won't let my husband have any baby stuff anywhere in this house but the baby's room. This way if something does happen I can at least still come into this house. However the only way I'll be able to come into this house, should something happen, is going to be on massive amounts of antipsycotic drugs...if they can prevent me from just being too depressed to breath. I thought maybe I'd relax at some point. Even with all the complications I had, I find myself worrying more the closer we get to his due date. I think it may possibly be because I'm so ready for him. I have diapers, wipes, bottles, formula, clothes, blankets & every piece of baby gear known to man.
I have waited so long to hold my child in my arms...and almost seem like a normal family....couple & child. I don't want to field "do you have children?" questions anymore. I don't want to hate happy families with their stroller full of 2.5 kids. I don't have the option of trying again. This is it for me & that is scary. If something were to happen...I don't get to try again. I don't get a second chance. This little boy has to make it.....because if he doesn't I won't.

*dead baby thoughts

After the shower

I had my shower on Saturday. It was some affair. All my family came down from New York. We had a sit down lunch complete with filet mignon, lobster and lots of appetizers. I got so many gifts my husband had to rent a cargo van to get the gifts home! It was so surreal....I have waited so long to have my own baby shower. I don't even want to talk about the tears that were shed by all. They were tears of joy though, we have all been waiting on this baby. My poor mom tried to give a speech and cried in her wine!

So the baby's room has really come together. I just need little stuff....bath wash, laundry detergent, meds to keep handy & grooming stuff. Everything is assembled & in order. I am so ready for this baby to be born! I just want to relax. And I won't be able to do that until he is safe in my arms.

Well my next appointment is tomorrow. As of right now my doctor thinks I'll have him in 5 to 7 weeks. Everyone keeps telling me that it's going to fly by so fast. I'll just be so happy to have him in my arms.

No new complications!

I can't believe I haven't managed to obtain another complication. It's very shocking to me. I do however have the worst cold imaginable. It's very hard not to od on Nyquil & feel better. But my number one priority is this baby & Nyquil is not good for him. So I'll suffer. I have sugar free cough drops,sugar free Robitussin, antibiotics & a shit load of tissues. Hopefully I'll kick this by the weekend. There are so many things that need to be done. All of my family will be here on the 11th. And of course everyone wants to see the baby's room. So lots to do!

I'll be 30 weeks on Saturday....wow I can't believe we are in the home stretch...I might actually bring a baby home.