I have a feeling...

this is a beginning of an end. I don't think I can't stand much more uncertainty with this whole fucking situation. My office has been watching my progesterone because they want it above 40. Well on the 17th my p4 was 29...on the 21st it dropped to 25....on the 24th it went up to 29....and now today it dropped to 25 again. Now I know that anything over 15 is just fine for early pregnancy but you see people they have doubled my doses & I still can't keep the shit up. When my p4 dropped to 25 the 1st time we went up to 2 injections every night of PIO. That's 1cc in each hip. We also went to 300mg suppositories 3 fucking times a day! I should have progesterone coming out of my ears.

We all know what dropping progesterone means...um yeah that "m" word. If I can't keep it up artificially, what do you think would happen if I stopped....yup there's that "m" word again. I have hardly any symptoms & they are beginning to be less & less noticeable. I so have a feeling I won't make it to the fucking ultrasound that I have been waiting an eternity for & if I do make it I'll probably be looking at another fetal corpse. Because we all know how good I am at retaining corpses...

Still here

I just don't even know what to write these days. I am so utterly terrified that there is no beating heart in there. I continue to take the hpt's but it's doing little to appease me these days. One thing I have come to realize is, if we make it, I will have to tell this kid they can't go to college because of my poas addiction. I have no idea how much I have spent on these stupid plastic sticks that are now littering the tub edge covered in piss. I have had to start sneaking to the store to buy them. I also change stores, I don't want my picture by the register. Warning: This lady buys at least 2 boxes of hpt's every couple of days!!!

I wondered if I would be more at ease if I had better beta numbers. I just don't think I can visualize a bring home baby with numbers as low as mine. Yes I know someone's sister's cousin's best friend's aunt had triplets with the same numbers I had. And I know about Brooklyn Girl's miracle. But I don't get that lucky....Ever. I always have the worst case scenario, the .0000000001% chance that something will go wrong & if it has anything to do with me it all goes to shit.

My husband, Mr Optimism, isn't really at ease either. He has been coming up with new ideas & symptoms to call the doctor with so I can get an ultrasound before August 9th. He usually thinks I'm being unreasonable, but he is as pissed as I am about having to wait till I'm 8 weeks before I can get an ultrasound. I just know I will probably have a nervous breakdown if the ultrasound shows us some crap in my uterus that in no way even resembled a baby at any point.

I know I sound so negative, but I really can't help it. I am so,so scared this is all going to go bad. I will 7 weeks tomorrow, maybe if I start puking or something I'll feel better.....Yeah right.

I guess I should post....

I go through moments of everything will be fine, I have suffered enough, I will finally hold my child to this is so over already, there will be no heartbeat, there will be no baby. I cannot control DBT for nothing. I still take a hpt every day. Then I spread them out on the counter & analyze them. Does this one look lighter or darker? It that darker than the control line? What should my beta be at this point? If it's over 20 or 30 thousand shouldn't the entire pee stick glow like Rudolph's nose?

My only consolation right now is my boobs hurt like hell, I can't stay awake at any time during the day & I am having bouts of nausea. However I have read that people with a blighted ovum have normal symptoms & can go into the beginning of the 2nd trimester before finding out. Yes it's sad that I have researched everything that can go wrong. If negativity is a deciding factor in this working, I am so fucking screwed.

One thing that is really bothering me right now is work. I fucking hate my job, the people I work with & my damn boss. I've about had all I can stand. If and I mean if this works, I am putting in my notice to quit the week before Christmas. No sense in spending my 3rd trimester in hell. Shit if I actually get that far I deserve a break! My paycheck is so not worth half the bullshit I deal with. Just to give you a little insight...One of my co-workers put their socks in the microwave to dry & they caught on fire, then they decided to clean the microwave with vinegar so now we have a lovely burned feet fabric odor with an overlay of vinegar. Lunch anyone? Help me....

Feelings

I received a card from my RE's office on Tuesday that said "congratulations on the pregnancy". They signed the card " The Dream Team". Is it just me or are they pretty damn proud of themselves? Ok I admit to see "congratulations on the pregnancy" did make me tear up a bit but hell I'm on a shitload of hormones right now, give me a break.

*********

I'm so torn on how to feel right now. I want to be happy & giddy and all that nauseating baby dust crap. But I am so scared that this one will end too. I want to make plans & dream about this potential "maybe". I am just so afraid. I keep trying to convince myself that I might as well enjoy whatever time I get to be pregnant regardless of how it might end. But of course, after the universe has kicked my ass so many times,I'm a little raw.

*********

My ultrasound has been scheduled for August 9th. It's my mom's birthday. I told her she had better put a candle on her breakfast & make one hell of a wish. I think the hardest thing to do is to tell her if I manage to fuck this one up too. I couldn't tell her last time. I had to make my husband do it. She was just so happy when I told her...Lots of tears of joy. She did the same thing this time. I almost believe she would be more crushed than I would. I understand her feelings though, just as she wants to be one of the Grandma's showing off pictures of her grandkids, I want to be a mom showing off my kids.

Huh?

I had my 3rd beta yesterday it was 253. My p4 was 29. My RE doesn't want me to have anymore betas. They are happy with the current numbers. Huh? None of this make sense to me. I thought I was circling the drain. Their only concern is the p4,I have to get that re-checked on Friday. They like to see the level above 40.

My husband asked me what this all meant. I said I guess we are having a maybe(sorry but I stole this from Deb over at The Trying Game)! I can't think of a better term right now. I thought this cycle was so done already. Now I have to sit back & patiently wait for August 10th. My RE doesn't do the 1st ultrasound until 8 weeks.(If that just isn't pure torture) I have 3 weeks to get myself use to the idea of the maybe & could have it all ripped away on a fuzzy black & white screen. I learned I had lost my 1st pregnancy that way. I sure as hell don't need a repeat of that, once was more than enough.

Um, maybe

Todays beta was 117. Yes we doubled. I am still waiting on the p4. I can breathe a little until Monday.


Please oh pretty pretty please let this work out.....

Limboland

beta at 14dp3dt 55
p4 16.83
e2 240

This shit sucks. Why can't I just have a fucking kid already!

12DP3DT

I am trying not to worry about what I can't control. According to several hpt's I'm pregnant. My symptoms are increasing too. I just hope I don't loose this one too. I've decided that I can't stress about this. What's done is done & nothing I do can change the outcome at this point. My beta is 2 days away. I can only hope the numbers are good, after that I can only hope for doubling. I just need to try to take 1 step at a time.

Here's to hoping I'm not on my way to another failure.

11DP3DT

I have spent the last several days staring at pee sticks and ,after having my husband take one, I have come to the conclusion that this might have actually worked. (You know I find it scary that you are so raw that even though 2 lines appear you swear the test is defective & make you husband pee in a cup so you can run the test for yourself just to make sure they actually work!)I even used one of those scary digital tests. I just cried when I saw 'Pregnant' pop up. I actual carried the damn thing around the house with me until the screen went blank. (I'm really a sad case!) My tests never went negative from the hcg trigger. So I have no idea where the trigger ended & the pregnancy began.

I hope I am not discussing this prematurely. I haven't even told my mom. My beta is on Thursday. So I'm pretty happy to get a digital test to even show positive. So for right now I'm pregnant until proven otherwise.(Please let this one stick!)

6DP3DT

I am slowly going stir crazy. This has been the most uneventful 2ww so far. I still having some mild OHSS symptoms thanks to the high estrodiol when I triggered & of course the PCOS. The high progesterone right now is causing all sorts of pregnancy-like symptoms. You know the usual heartburn, cramping, sore boobs & waking up in the middle of the night to pee. It is all a conspiracy for us think happy baby thoughts and all that other hope bullshit.

On a very crappy note the 19 embryos I had left died. I had nothing to freeze out of 35. It kinda of lays the groundwork for my umpteenth BFN. I have, of course, been POAS since the day after trigger. They are still currently positive. I triggered 11 days ago so I can't imagine what's up with that. I am definitely not a normal sized individual, so 10,000 units of HCG should be gone by now. I know sometimes they can last 14 days but not when you have an ass the size of Texas.

I'll check in later with more fun & exciting information.

I tried to post this yesterday but blogger was being a bitch. No new & exciting info to post today. Pretty much the same shit going on. Just feeling more & more like a BFN. Sorry about my mood I just have no hope left.