CD 7

Well I'm passing the days by twiddling my thumbs. I cannot wait for this damn process to move on to stims. I had to leave the nurse a message this morning. She told me she would contact me with the schedule for IVF#2 when I spoke to her on Saturday, but I still haven't heard from her. When I don't have a plan I get a little nervous, okay a lot.

On a funny note, the trip from hell in which I lost my driver's license, has finally completed. Yesterday in my mailbox was a lonely legal sized envelope with just my driver's license in it. It was postmarked from the American Airlines hub in Queens, NY so I'm assuming I either lost it on the plane or on the tarmac. You think they could have saved me some grief & found when I was still in NY? I guess that is too much to ask. But now I have an extra license to stash in my suitcase should that ever happen again.

I'll post when I get an update on the IVF schedule.

Day 1

My period started today! (It takes so little to entertain me these days)I start the BCP's on Monday. So 10 to 14 days of those & then I start stims.

I'm in such a funny place right now. I'm excited to finally start this cycle but I'm also terrified of another failure or miscarriage. My husband completely understands this which totally freaks me out. It freaks me out because he is starting to get infertile brain. This is a brain function that is usually acquired by women. It's the worry about everything that could happen & knowing there is nothing we can do to the change the outcome.

My 1 & only wish is and has always been to have my own real live baby in my arms. I hope this cycle brings me my wish.

I wish I had known her..

I have, as an addicted blog reader, have come across CancerBaby's blog. I check in from time to time. I read earlier this week that things were bad. I guess I knew when I read that what was to come next, however it didn't let those tears run any slower.

I cannot possibly comprehend what her & her family & friends have been through.

I know life is unfair, but it is also cruel.

Jessica had a shitload of spirit. I believe she could inspire the crippled to walk.

I'm glad she's not in pain anymore.

I really do wish I had known her.

Next cycle info

I saw my RE yesterday to discuss the multiple failures. He said he doesn't intend on changing much since we made beautiful embryos. (Um...can you tell that to my so very empty uterus) Anywhoo he said we can start next cycle...yippee! I have already hit a snag in the days off for the retrieval & transfer, someone else has the 2 days I need, but I'm not going to let that get me down. I will,however, be very down when I have to come to work in pain the day after my retrieval. I'm thinking some tears & maybe a vomiting episode will get me sent home. Man I'm evil.

I believe I might try accupunture or massage therapy this time. I'm willing to try anything at this point. I also might try doing high protein during the stim phase due to my PCOS. I have read that it improves embryo quality & cuts down on OHSS. All of these things could be a bunch of crap, but I'll believe about anything right now. I'm even at the point to where I have considered driving to Orlando to touch the freaking fertility statues at Ripley's! Yes, I know I need help. But as they say desperate times call for desperate measures!

So I'm all scheduled for the next cycle & have even purchased 25 cheapy internet pregnancy tests for the 2ww. Lets all hope that this one works. I'm all about filled up on disappointment.

Vacation from hell

Sometimes I don't know why I bother. I needed to get away soooooo bad. I just needed a damn break. Boy was I stupid!

My lovely trip started just fine. The flight was okay, a little bumpy but we arrived safe. The shuttle to the car rental office, just fine. Then hell breaks loose! Somewhere in between getting on the plane & arriving in my destination, I lost my drivers license. Not the worst thing in the world unless your infertile & have been trying to fight off a nervous break down for weeks. I completely loose it!! I cried hysterically for about 4 or 5 hours. My poor family went out & purchased large amounts of booze & liquored me up. That about sums up day 1.

Day 2
I wake to the worst cramps ever! I had been holding my period off so I could have a nice trip with no worries or aggravation. Yeah...that worked! We arrive in Atlantic City no problem. I go to check in, without ID, thinking I could use my credit cards & social security card. I cannot find my social security card, nervous breakdown #2 takes place. The poor check in girl lets me check in with my blue cross blue shield card. I then proceed to leave large amounts of money on the casino floor.

Day 3
My family decides to change the departure time without consulting me. While my husband & I are in the process of actually winning, my family calls & says "we are at the front desk with our luggage where are you?". WTF! I then get to fight with my husband as we cash in & run to our room to get our luggage. We arrive at the van to find that my grandmother can't get in the van & won't let anyone help her. There is a wind chill of 30 degrees & the wind is blowing about 30+ miles per hour. I am in a skirt & a linen shirt. My ass is being frozen by the second waiting for her to get into the van. A very long 15 minutes later we are in the van.
Later we arrive at my cousins. My great Aunt asks me if I think I'll get pregnant again. I, of course, tell her I don't know because I don't want to discuss it. She proceeds to tell me that she thinks I will never get pregnant because it's not meant for me to be a mom. Enter nervous breakdown #3.

Day 4
The day of my cousins little boy's communion. The ceremony is nice. The luncheon is lovely (there was a bar). After the luncheon we go back to my cousins' house. My great Aunt has the same conversation of my forever failure. Nervous breakdown #4.
(The only bright spot of the day was my license arriving via fed ex.)

Day 5
The flight home was fine. My husband says I owe him an actual vacation. I promise him anything he wants after 4 nervous breakdowns in 5 days.