Now a word from her royal crankiness

I am the crankiest bitch alive! I have been trying to hold off the blood fest from the failed FET with BCP. I have put myself in a state of B-PMS(that is beyond PMS)!
I have wanted to kill at least 20 people. Everyone is annoying the shit out of me. I don't know how much more I can stand.

The only thing that is keeping me from beating the crap out of people right now is that tomorrow I leave for New York & Atlantic City. I have my favorite bar calling my name right now. I plan on spending as much of the next 5 days ADAP (as drunk as possible)!

I still haven't heard from the doctor's office regarding any additional testing prior to my next IVF. I left that nurse a message a week ago. I guess I'm going to have to go yankee on her. Boy is she gonna love that.

Nothing else going on in the infertile department. I am so not patiently waiting to start stims in June. I just want to be doing something. I hate the feeling of standing still. I want to be a mom so bad. I will never get why I have to go through all this bullshit just to have what so many people take for granted.

Feeling? yes Like crap? yes

I'm at that point where I can't believe I'm going to have to wait 2 months to start the next cycle. I still want to believe that it's not over, but I know it is.

My sweet, sweet husband asked me last night if I was sure it was over. He wanted me to take another test just to be sure. I didn't have the heart to argue. He looked really crushed when I told him it was negative. I really think he thought we'd be on our way to parenthood by now. Every time I think about how disappointed he is I get all teary. I'm can't help but feel that he deserves better. He deserves a wife that can give him a family. I have a really bad feeling that I won't be able to give him what he deserves. And that thought just breaks my heart.

The story of my life

I had my bloodwork done this morning. Another freaking chemical! My beta today was 2.

I had been having very faint hpt's all weekend. I kept thinking they should be getting darker. But then I had that little head fight where you think you should stop worrying because a line is a line. In the head fuck process I think I've spent $150 on hpt's. I am definitely ordering those cheapie internet pee sticks next time.

So all is over now. I have an appointment with the dr in 2 weeks so we can find out what the hell happened & what to do next. Obviously something needs to be changed in my protocol. I can't believe this one didn't work either. Damn.

6DP5DT

I have peed on 5 sticks already & have only gotten inconclusive results. The 1st one was 3dp5dt & that was soooo negative. The 2nd was 4dp5dt & I think (my husband agrees) that there might be a line. The 3rd was the same night with a different brand which was negative. The 4th was 5dp5dt & again we think we see something. And the 5th was that same night & again I think there is something there. Now I know it is very early. I will not rest until beta. But I also can't help but wish I could get something definitive.

I haven't given up hope (at least not yet) & I have 6 more shiny sticks & 1 opk to pee on at my leisure! I'm trying to decide if I should take another one tonight. But knowing me I will, I can't help it,I am weak & those pee sticks are strong!

I will be sure to keep you posted on my pee stick adventures!

3DP5DT

The defrost went as well as can be expected. 2 out of 3 survived. One was perfect & one was ok. But I had 2 to transfer & that made me a very happy woman.

I was a very good girl this time and stayed in bed from the time I got home Friday till this morning. My wonderful husband was my beck & call boy. He cooked me 3 squares a day. He even cleaned my kitchen & filled the dishwasher after every meal. He also ran the dishwasher & emptied it. I know I should stop you are totally jealous right now! But I couldn't have asked for a better husband!

I'm currently counting down the hours until I can go home & poas! Yes my dear blogland I know 3dp5dt is waaay too early but it's for my entertainment purposes! I have 3 nice new shiny boxes of pee sticks at home. A girl can never have too many!

I will check in with updates of my pee stick party!

2 Days till transfer

I started my medrol,vibramyacin & DHA supplement this morning. I have a huge bruise on each chunky but/hip area. My sharps container is feeling needed again. And I'm in the mad dash to complete all household projects before Friday. Yup we are officially getting close!

My E2 was 853 and my progesterone was 0.9 . My lining was still a nice 10.5 mm. Now all I have to do is worry about the embryos surviving the thaw. The nurse told me yesterday that she's only had one person lose all of her embryos. I told her I hoped I wasn't the 2nd. I guess I could have asked more questions to possibly ease my worry but I was afraid of too much information. The way my little brain works I would have found every likeness I could to that person's cycle. And my poor husband would have to spend the next 2 days trying to convince me that everything is going to be okay.

I refuse to even get out of bed this time. I'm thinking that I somehow ruined the last one because I never did bed rest. I did couch potato. The embryologists said couch potato was just fine, so I did. This time bed rest means rest in bed. So no updates till I'm back on my feet, which should be Monday. I'll be hopefully incubating embryos that are going to stick around till a due date, high school graduation, retirement etc etc.