Basket Case

I don't really know what to post about. I pretty much spend every waking & sleeping moment in a panic that this is all going to go wrong. I should be trying to enjoy this but all I can think about is will I recover from another late miscarriage.

On Monday I'll be 11 weeks. I lost the 1st baby at 11 weeks ,I didn't however find out till I was 14 weeks, so very nervous I am. I have been having weekly ultrasounds so every one I make it through keeps me from dropping over the edge. You think I would be getting better but I'm not. I got a Baby Beat Doppler 2 weeks ago, I can't hear a damn thing other than my heartbeat. I keep telling my husband that if I could just hear it every day I'd be okay. I'm sure regardless if I heard it I'd probably still be a basket case. I know it's very early to hear it & I also know if you have a little extra junk in your front trunk that makes it harder to hear. But of course that doesn't make me feel any better.

I still haven't come out of the closet. My father doesn't know neither does my immediate family. If something goes wrong I may regret not telling them but I cannot deal with retracting the statement. My mom, m-i-l, f-i-l & best friend are the only ones who know. My m-i-l wants to know however if I think this one is going to stick around this time. Um lady if I knew the answer to that I'd already have the nursery done.

I really want to stop getting myself in a twist about this but I can't seem to settle down...I wonder if I ever will. Infertility is such a bitch. So much time, energy, tears, money & prayers (if your the praying type) are spent trying to get pregnant. Then we finally get the double lines or the plus sign & we spend our nights & days wondering when it will all go wrong.