6 days to go

I have 6 days till the dreaded ultrasound. My dr's office isn't very optimistic. When I last spoke to them re: my P4 level the nurse asked me if I had started spotting yet. Um WTF!! Does she have a crystal ball & know some thing no one else could possible know right now? I asked her if she thought we even had a chance & she said well we'll see at the ultrasound.

I have decided that I have already cried enough. If I find out that this baby has been dead for weeks on Wednesday, I am kicking somebody's ass for dragging me along all these fucking weeks. 8 weeks for a fucking ultrasound for an IVF patient, why don't they put slivers of hot metal in my eye!!

I am so frustrated right now. I have no reason to believe I am actually going to see a baby on Wednesday with a beating heart. I also have no reason to believe, except for the nurses' optimism, that I'm going to see a dead one.

My husband has had it with my depression. But shit what am I supposed to do? I should be enjoying this time & all I can think of is I'll be doing my 4th cycle in October. I am so tired of getting my heart broken that I cannot relax. I am sure I'm being a bitch but damn,I am hormoned out & trying to prepare myself to schedule a D&C if needed.

This entire blog has gotten way too pessimistic but I'm tired of the shit end of the stick.