Good news & Bad news

I think I'll give you the good news first. That way if you don't want to hear the bad news you can move on.

The Good News: I finally, finally, finally found the baby's heartbeat on the Doppler! I was so excited on Saturday when I found it that I cried & then I wanted to throw up but that's just the hormones. I am trying not to be obsessive so I didn't even try on Sunday...But last night the second I walked into the house that Doppler was out lickety split! It did take a little while but I was rewarded with that beautiful beating heart. The really good thing is I won't be a paranoid freak when I go for my ultrasound today.

The Bad News: I got my blood results back from my first OB visit & it turns out I have the MTHFR mutation. Oh and not just the mutation but a double mutation. Luckily, being the internet research freak that I am, I have been self medicating for this anyway. I was already on the baby aspirin as per protocol for all patients at the IVF clinic. The 4mg of Folic Acid & B6 & B12 is over the counter & there is no risk of od'ing, so of course I took it. Thank god because I may not have gotten where I am now without it. The nurse stated that baby aspirin was enough for the clotting issues but you can bet the cellulite on my butt that I will be fighting for Heparin or Levonox when I go to the doctor today. I mean why temp fate? I'm already high risk thanks to the habitual aborter, threatened aborter & size less than dates. Why not throw a little extra blood thinner into the mix. My OB doc is pretty good at keeping me calm, hence the weekly ultrasounds, so maybe I'll win this battle too.

Basket Case

I don't really know what to post about. I pretty much spend every waking & sleeping moment in a panic that this is all going to go wrong. I should be trying to enjoy this but all I can think about is will I recover from another late miscarriage.

On Monday I'll be 11 weeks. I lost the 1st baby at 11 weeks ,I didn't however find out till I was 14 weeks, so very nervous I am. I have been having weekly ultrasounds so every one I make it through keeps me from dropping over the edge. You think I would be getting better but I'm not. I got a Baby Beat Doppler 2 weeks ago, I can't hear a damn thing other than my heartbeat. I keep telling my husband that if I could just hear it every day I'd be okay. I'm sure regardless if I heard it I'd probably still be a basket case. I know it's very early to hear it & I also know if you have a little extra junk in your front trunk that makes it harder to hear. But of course that doesn't make me feel any better.

I still haven't come out of the closet. My father doesn't know neither does my immediate family. If something goes wrong I may regret not telling them but I cannot deal with retracting the statement. My mom, m-i-l, f-i-l & best friend are the only ones who know. My m-i-l wants to know however if I think this one is going to stick around this time. Um lady if I knew the answer to that I'd already have the nursery done.

I really want to stop getting myself in a twist about this but I can't seem to settle down...I wonder if I ever will. Infertility is such a bitch. So much time, energy, tears, money & prayers (if your the praying type) are spent trying to get pregnant. Then we finally get the double lines or the plus sign & we spend our nights & days wondering when it will all go wrong.

Just a few steps away from the crazy house

I had to rush myself to the doc yesterday. I was bleeding....yup fun stuff. I had the customary ultrasound which showed a baby that had grown 7 days in 5 & a little heart beating away. After a huge sigh of relief I got "The Speech". You know the one where the doc says everything looks fine...Could continue to be fine....Could go to shit...Nothing we could do to stop it if it did....blah blah blah.

I have my 1st ob appointment today. I'm actually really glad to be going back. I had some spotting when I got home yesterday & had cramping all freaking night! You do understand this is all a plot to get me to go insane? Anywhoo the cramping is finally starting to subside, but I'll be happy for a little reassurance today. I wonder if,now that I have been given the title of threatened abortion, I could convince my doc that I need an ultrasound every week until I'm 13 weeks?

We're having a baby!

We had a little one with a heartbeat of 171 bpm. I am beyond happy & RELIEVED!

I actually was so nervous I was looking for a paper bag or a tank of oxygen. The nurse thinks I'm hilarious....But I was dead serious! I do believe I have finally stopped shaking. However the nausea is still with me so it must be morning sickness. Oh well I'll take all the symptoms as long as this little heart keeps beating!

Nervous

I am sitting here trying not to vomit on my computer keyboard. I can't honestly say it's morning sickness. If I had to wager a guess, I'd say nerves. I leave here in 1 hour & 15 minutes to get my husband for my appointment. I don't even want to go. I like living in denial. For now, I'm pregnant, I may not be in a matter of hours. I have read both mine & my husbands horoscope...And they look bad! I wonder if I should put any faith in them? When they're good I so want to believe, when they suck I think what a crock of shit.

I am so scared. My little dream of giving birth in March seems so unreachable now. I have begged every god I can think of to make this happen for us. Please oh please oh please let this baby be alive & in the right place.

List of things to do

Here is my plan should all go well on Wednesday:
1)Stop peeing on sticks! 1 to 2 a day is ridiculous. I have to stop being a freak!
2)Clean out the spare bedroom. It should take me to about January to complete!
3)Break out the maternity clothes 'cause damn I can't breathe!
4)Dig out the pregnancy books.
5)Start acting like a pregnant woman.

Here is the plan should it all go to shit on Wednesday:
1)Kick somebody's ass...Nurse...Doctor...Receptionist...I'm not really picky!
2)Hide all evidence of previous cycle including sharps container & alcohol swabs.
3)Drink booze & eat a lot of unhealthy junk food.
4)Throw away all pregnancy books & maternity clothes because I am tired of knowing that crap is in my house.
5)Go to the nearest casino..If I can't win in this crapshoot maybe the gambling kind will have better odds.

6 days to go

I have 6 days till the dreaded ultrasound. My dr's office isn't very optimistic. When I last spoke to them re: my P4 level the nurse asked me if I had started spotting yet. Um WTF!! Does she have a crystal ball & know some thing no one else could possible know right now? I asked her if she thought we even had a chance & she said well we'll see at the ultrasound.

I have decided that I have already cried enough. If I find out that this baby has been dead for weeks on Wednesday, I am kicking somebody's ass for dragging me along all these fucking weeks. 8 weeks for a fucking ultrasound for an IVF patient, why don't they put slivers of hot metal in my eye!!

I am so frustrated right now. I have no reason to believe I am actually going to see a baby on Wednesday with a beating heart. I also have no reason to believe, except for the nurses' optimism, that I'm going to see a dead one.

My husband has had it with my depression. But shit what am I supposed to do? I should be enjoying this time & all I can think of is I'll be doing my 4th cycle in October. I am so tired of getting my heart broken that I cannot relax. I am sure I'm being a bitch but damn,I am hormoned out & trying to prepare myself to schedule a D&C if needed.

This entire blog has gotten way too pessimistic but I'm tired of the shit end of the stick.