Still here

I just don't even know what to write these days. I am so utterly terrified that there is no beating heart in there. I continue to take the hpt's but it's doing little to appease me these days. One thing I have come to realize is, if we make it, I will have to tell this kid they can't go to college because of my poas addiction. I have no idea how much I have spent on these stupid plastic sticks that are now littering the tub edge covered in piss. I have had to start sneaking to the store to buy them. I also change stores, I don't want my picture by the register. Warning: This lady buys at least 2 boxes of hpt's every couple of days!!!

I wondered if I would be more at ease if I had better beta numbers. I just don't think I can visualize a bring home baby with numbers as low as mine. Yes I know someone's sister's cousin's best friend's aunt had triplets with the same numbers I had. And I know about Brooklyn Girl's miracle. But I don't get that lucky....Ever. I always have the worst case scenario, the .0000000001% chance that something will go wrong & if it has anything to do with me it all goes to shit.

My husband, Mr Optimism, isn't really at ease either. He has been coming up with new ideas & symptoms to call the doctor with so I can get an ultrasound before August 9th. He usually thinks I'm being unreasonable, but he is as pissed as I am about having to wait till I'm 8 weeks before I can get an ultrasound. I just know I will probably have a nervous breakdown if the ultrasound shows us some crap in my uterus that in no way even resembled a baby at any point.

I know I sound so negative, but I really can't help it. I am so,so scared this is all going to go bad. I will 7 weeks tomorrow, maybe if I start puking or something I'll feel better.....Yeah right.