Life is so unfair

I can't help but cry every time I think of Julianna. My heart breaks for her. I don't understand what the point is to all this crap. Who does all this benefit? The RE's? The infertility pharmacies? I don't think I'll ever understand why there is infertility. I'm sure someone will say to prevent over breeding. But I totally disagree.

I work in a hospital that provides over 90% of this regions charity care. Today I was waiting outside for our lunch order and saw 3 different families with over 4 children & pregnant going into the free clinic. One lady had 5 little ones in tow, 1 in the stroller & one inutero. (And no I don't believe she runs a daycare considering they all looked alike.)My question is why should they be able to have 4, 5 & 6+ and some of us can't have one? My only thought when I see these people is please stay away from each other & leave some baby souls out there for the rest of us.

I'm not saying that people who go to free clinics are not worthy. I'm just saying that sometimes it feels so unfair that we are putting tens of thousands of dollars into having one child & these people are having 4+ without a care in the world.

I was raised catholic so sometimes I can't help but think there has to be a point to all this. But I cannot possibly think of any.

There are some really great ladies out there who deserve some tiny bit of happiness. I want to wish that they get everything they're dreaming of. I wish I had a magic wand & could make it happen, for all of us.

8 days till transfer

My E2 decided to do the right thing and came in at a nice 948. My lining also came in at a nice 10mm. All is well on the FET cycle homefront, for a change.

On another note, I'm beginning to think I need to wait a day before I post. I know this blog is supposed to help me vent, bitch, moan, whine & cry but looking back I feel stupid complaining about my petty shit. I'm trying to be a better blog reader & have actually commented several times lately. This is a huge leap for me. I usually feel as if I'm not worthy. Some of the lovely ladies out there are so cool & entertaining even while they are miserable. Some of my past posts put me to sleep & I wrote the shit. So I will, from here on out, try harder. Not that anyone is reading this now but maybe someday they will. And I certainly don't want to be responsible for boring someone to death.

Hope is leaving the building

I keep having this recurring dream of twins. A perfect little boy & girl. I don't know if this dream is some deep desire or some desperate dream that will never come true. After my embryo transfer my husband kept asking me how the twins were. I would smile & rub my belly. Sometimes I wonder when I'll stop being so naive. The chance of me getting pregnant is pretty low & now of course the chance of me actually giving birth is dropping too. So why do I continue to dream about what will probably never be?

I can honestly say that I am not ready to give up the fight. But I am so weary. I'm fed up with failure and bad news. I'm tired of assvice. I'm tired of apologizing to my husband because I feel he deserves better. I'm tired of feeling like a complete failure. I guess I need a life nap.

No drama is not normal

I went for my E2 & dildocam this morning. Lining is looking good at 8mm. The nurse said everything looks great. I should have known that my cycles never go as planned.
My E2 is half of what it's supposed to be. So I have to double my shots & have an extra visit. I know it's not like the end of the world. It's just that I never get an easy cycle. I'm really just being whiny but damn sometimes I would like to just skip along & not have to worry what can go wrong next. For me the 1st problem is just the start, it usually goes downhill from here.

Next appointment is Thursday. Hopefully something will go right.

On our way

Well today is cd4. I had my first estrogen shot on cd2. Not so bad for an IM injection except for the fact the estrogen is in castor oil. I have since had this fear that I was going to gastrically explode. Something about castor oil make me think shitfest! I know that's terrible but It's all I can think about. Now back to the original subject at hand...Estrogen. I only have to shoot up on Tuesdays & Fridays, I know kinda weird. I really didn't know what to think. I mean not having to stab myself with a needle 3 times each day? What's a girl to do with her free time?

Currently I'm feeling positive at this moment. I don't really know why. I keep day dreaming about this working. I haven't yet looked up the could-possibly-be-due-date. I,for some odd reason, don't want to know. I have always looked it up as soon as cd1 hits. My 1st pregnancy was conceived in March so I have an idea of the month of the due date but other than that I'm oblivious. I think I'll stay that way until further notice.

Well my 1st date with the lab & the dildo cam is on the 27th. I will update then.

Still here

I know I haven't posted in a while. Not much going on here. I'm ever so patiently looking forward to our FET. I took my last BCP last night so bring on the cramps.

I know I said I was going to move clinics but have decided not to because we have already paid for the refund program. What this means is I paid $13,800 plus $4000 for ICSI(that's for 3 ICSI for the price of 2) & I have 3 fresh cycles & 3 FET's to get pregnant. If I do not give birth to a viable infant over 26 weeks, I get my money back.

I must say the fear of running out of chances has significantly dropped. However I really don't want to think ahead to the state I'll be in if after 6 hi-tech tries & I still don't have a child. I don't know how some people do it. I know there are bloggers out there that have already had 6 IVF's & are still fighting for a child. I'm just so worn out from what I've already been through I don't think I'd make it that far.

Countdown Day 13

Well my dr's office did not make me have more bloodwork. She said it was close enough. Thank goodness because I currently have track marks from all the blood draws. I think I'm going to start telling lab techs to aim for the same hole. I have a bad feeling that one day a dr is going to ask me how long have I been clean. I'm figuring they'll guess years because of my fat ass.

***

Thirteen more days until my period shows. I can't wait to get started on the FET. I feel like I'm currently stuck in slow gear. I can't help but think I could be missing a magic moment by waiting a cycle. I know it's silly but I just want a kid and I'm just so damn tired of waiting. I can't help but look at the calendar and think I should have a 3 month old in my arms right now or I should be almost 8 weeks pregnant. I hate all the missed milestones and moments I never got a chance to have.

The Never-ending Beta

Would you believe my beta is still positive?!? Today the level was 2. My doctor wants it to be negative. I can't get pregnant right & I can't get rid of it right either. I'm almost positive they'll make me have another blood draw on Sunday. I'm hoping I'm wrong but we'll see.

I have received my schedule for my upcoming FET. I'm not looking forward to IM injections of estradiol but other than that it seems pretty easy. I only have 2 visits prior to transfer. That's going to be a breeze compared to the fresh cycle. So hopefully I can start everything on the 20th provided my period cooperates. If it does we'll be on our way, if it doesn't you all can look forward to many days of me bitching about my missing period. I guess if you see the title 'Where the hell is my period?' skip to the next blog.

Cranky has left the building

I have since recovered from my Friday workday crankiness. I actually am still sick though! Yes people day 11 of the horrible black plague of death. I finally went to the regular doctor & my official diagnosis is sinus infection. I don't buy it, but okay give me the antibiotics & the cough syrup with codeine and I'll be on my way. So I'm finally sleeping through the night thanks to the codeine. And so is my husband thanks to the fact that I'm not coughing through the night. Now all that's left is for my voice to stop sounding like I smoke 3 packs a day. I really gotta stop asking for so much.