Unhappy Camper

I was lured to work today under a lie & I'm just pissed about it. My lovely boss (insert sarcasm here) asked me to please come to work today because we have a couple of people scheduled off. Now I'm not sure where she learned the English language but in my world a couple means at least 2. So since we are an office of 5, which is really technically 4 due to an ever lazy ass team member, 2 out is a big deal. So coughing & snotting & crying my way through getting dressed & a 45 minute commute, I arrive at work to find that only one person is out. When I go to see my boss to show my face, she says " oh glad you made it" like it's a fucking surprise. We have worked together for almost 3 years, of course if she says she needs me I will drag my ass out of whatever hole I'm in. Now here is where I almost lost it, when she sees & hears how sick I still am she suggests I walk to the hospital gift shop and get some cough drops so I don't sound so bad on the phone. Um hello if you are that worried about me sounding like a damn frog on the phone you should have let me stay home!

My best friend is a fellow supervisor with my boss & always tries to find some kind of logic in the stupid things my boss does. She thinks maybe she's getting shit from her boss because I have been out a lot this year due to the IVF & the now miscarriage that coincided with the cold of death. The IVF crap was planned & booked 2 months in advance. If I could have planned ahead for the miscarriage I wouldn't have wasted my time with the IVF.

Maybe I'm just hormonal. But damn give me some slack. It's not everyday that you lose your second pregnancy after you dished out $14,000! It took me 3 months to come back the last time. You would think I wouldn't be getting all this bullshit about one week.

Out of Denial

I take back what I said yesterday. This hurts. Bad.

My nervous breakdown arrived when I was half way to the RE's office. By the time I got there I was a blubbering idiot. I snotted all over the sign in sheet, the lab & the doctors desk. Some office twit had the nerve to ask me if I was okay. I'm thinking this lady works in an infertility office I can't be the only depressed woman that has ever come through here.

I demanded a copy of my medical records while I was there. I got to see my ultrasound report from Monday. There was nothing there. No sac, no enlarged uterus, nada. So my medical diagnosis is chemical.

The only thing to do now is sit back & wait for my March cycle. I'm so tired of waiting & being unhappy. Those 10 weeks last year were the best. I had never been so happy, I want to be that lady again so bad.

BTW-My beta for today was 97.

From my death bed

That's the way I feel right now. If the cramps don't kill me this damn cold will. I was supposed to go to the doctor today for a re-check but I'm too damn weak to drive. They rescheduled me for tomorrow.

I'm in a weird place right now. Everyone who went through the last miscarriage with me is walking on egg shells around me. I'm upset but I'm okay. It's really hard to explain. I'm not saying that any miscarriage should me minimized but this one just doesn't hurt as much. I'm wondering if I kept myself at a distance. My husband was so excited he was already looking at baby shit. I just wasn't interested. I think my last miscarriage ruined me. I don't think I will ever have that immediate bond again. I know I can't handle being hurt like that again.

The Long Update

Beta #5 277

Obviously we weren't making any progress. I didn't have to wait long to find out what was going to happen. At about 1am on Monday morning I woke to terrible cramps & bleeding. I sat up until 8am & then called the RE's office. They told me to come in for bloodwork & an ultrasound. Here is where I can show you how GREAT this office is. Not.
Stupid nurse:(she will be now known as SN) We are going to draw your blood & make sure it's not in your tube.
Me: um, kay.
I then proceed to wait for 1 1/2 hours for an ultrasound. Finally in the room stupid nurse is joined by stupid doctor or aka SD.
SD: We may not be able to see anything but we are going to check anyway.
Me: um, kay.
SD: (inserts wand monkey/immediately has confused look/looks at SN for another confused look)
SN: ( returns confused look)
SD: Is that her ovary?
SN: yeah
SD: (continues to shoot confused glances at SN)
SN: says to SD- should we wait for the bloodwork?
SD: Yeah. Says to me (yes they finally remembered I'm in the room)Well everything looks normal. Your ovaries have some cysts which is normal for IVF. We will wait for your bloodwork. I have seen ultrasounds with multiples that look like this.
Me: huh? What did you see?
SD: Well I can't really say until I see the bloodwork. That will give us the answers.
SD & SN exit room.
Me: um what just happened? I drove an hour here & waited 1.5 hours for this crap! My poor husband just looked at me.
Me: says to SN out in the hall. I just wish someone would tell me what is going on! I have known that none of this has been good & no one will tell me anything!
SN: We have seen wierder things turn out ok.
Me:(gives nurse look of death)
SN: I'll call you later with the bloodwork.

At 4:45pm I still hadn't heard from SN. I called and got the results myself. Beta #6 207. So of course it's over.
SN: I'm sorry to give you bad news.
Me: I knew it was over a week ago, but thanks anyway.click.

So I'm currently sitting here dreaming of percocet & waiting on my husband to bring me Nyquil. Yes with my super duper luck I have a terrible cold on top of all of this. The only good part about it is it's a great cover for work.

I have decided to switch RE's. I found a very small clinic here in town. They have agreed to take my frozen embryos & do my FET. I just can't deal with these people again. Waiting 9 hours for lab results is bullshit. They don't even talk to you. Every patient has a personal voice mail where they leave your results & you can call after 5pm to get them. They tell you 3:30. But after 16 voicemails it was never there before 5pm. They are too stupid & rude to get anymore of my mom's money!

Beta # 4

hcg 219
p4 40

Well at least my p4 came up. It's sad that's the only positive thing I can say. I am really beginning to think this pregnancy might be ectopic. I had a huge fight with the twit at the RE's office about having an ultrasound. She told me that there is no way to tell anything before 8 weeks! I really can't believe I have paid these people over $14,000 for this crap. I would really like a chance to save my tube if possible. Now granted I am not an ectopic expert but I am a Dr.Google expert. I can search the internet for massive amounts of information regarding abnormally low betas and non doubling betas. And folks let me tell you there is no good news out there regarding this.

Well my hell continues....next beta on Sunday.

Update

I got my new levels yesterday. Some how this kid is hanging on.

hcg 143
p4 23.6

Isn't it great, my progesterone dropped again. My RE's office seems concerned but not too concerned. They have upped my progesterone to 6 vaginal suppositories a day. Fun!

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for doubling again on Friday. There is not much more that I can do right now but hope* this works out. My husband & I hope* that the hcg levels are like "The Tortoise & The Hare". You know slow & steady wins the race. I have now nicknamed the embryo tortoise. Damn, I hope* this doesn't turn out badly.

* shit that's whole lot of betting on "hope"

No good news here

2nd Beta = 72
p4 = 26

I know this is bad news. I just want to go home & cry in peace.

I am currently waiting for the hateful RE's office to call me about my dropping progesterone. I'm already taking 1cc of PIO & 3 vaginal prometrium suppositories. I can't imagine why my progesterone won't stay up. Okay I can imagine 1 reason but I don't want to say the "m" word just yet. Man this just sucks.

Shocked

That's about the only word I can come up with right now.

For some odd reason I decided to take a hpt when I got home Friday. Well it was positive. Then that bitch hope came running full steam back into my life. I went for my beta on Saturday and here is where we stand:

beta 41
p4 28.9

Not stellar by any sense. But it's a positive & I'll take that for now. I had my second beta this morning. I can only hope that it doubles, would really prefer it to triple, but I'll just have to see. I'm trying not to get my hopes up.

Even if it does all I want it to do, there is no guarantee I'll get a baby out of the deal. I've been here before & it didn't end pretty. I'm just going with the fact that for right now I'm pregnant.

Guess who moved their beta up to Saturday?

Me.

I called the ever hateful RE's office to find out about the protocol for FET. Um like 2 freakin' days ago! I finally had to call back today. I found out they make you wait a cycle in between a fresh & a frozen. That made my eyes tear up more than knowing my beta will be negative. I'm just so tired of waiting.

You know what I find really sad? The nurse didn't even ask how I knew my cycle was over. I hate this office is the only one around here that does IVF. I just hate these people. I feel like a piece of beef....Not a person. And like an ass we just gave them $14,100 for nothing. No not nothing....6 weeks of aggravation & stress. Sometimes I'm so smart.

What was I thinking

Oh my god I just vomited those posts out yesterday. What the hell is wrong with me. If anyone is actually reading this they will determine that IF drugs cause brain damage.

Is there such a thing as premature ejaculation of a post?

My Story Part 4

Once I regained composure & was able to get dressed without crying, I dragged my sorry ass back to work. Like the stubborn idiots we are we decided to try again.

Repronex-shitty e2-6 follicles-negative

You know I just realized I could have saved you the last couple of posts of 'my story' torture by just repeating that line!

next month-Gonal-F-shitty e2-7 follicles-negative

When my mom called to see if I had taken a test yet,I told her no need period came a day early. After she finished crying, she told me to do IVF. She said she would pay for it she didn't care about the money she just wanted a grandchild. So here we are. ( It's okay to say thank fucking god this damn story is over!!)

BCP-Microdose Ovidrel-Gonal-F-Antegon-e2 7250-18 retrieved-17 mature & ICSI'd-13 fertilized normally-2 awesome 8 celled transferred-3 blasts in the deep freeze

I'm currently 10dp3dt I've already had 5 negatives & 2 I'm pretty damn sure those are evaporation lines not positive lines. I refuse to pee on anything else. I will wait for my beta on the 12th.

I guess I could have made one long post but I was hoping to keep you glued to the screen with the long drawn out process!

PS I just wanted to send my thoughts to Amanda who has gotten some pretty shitty news in the last 2 days.

My Story Part 3

A year later we were ready to get our asses kicked again so we went back for more! My drug of choice this time was Repronex. And as always 2 weeks later...negative. And now we had a new problem. My e2 failed to rise to correlate with my follicles..fun huh? When I triggered I had 8 mature follicles by ultrasound but my e2 was 228. My doctor had been talking of doing a rescue IVF because I had more follicles than they would allow for IUI, but when he saw the e2 he was no longer worried. The chance of me having more than mature egg in there was slim to none.
The next month they put me on an IVF protocol & at the last minute I chickened out and they converted to an IUI. 2 weeks later I knew this was different. I was supposed to test on a Wednesday (the day after my period was due) but I didn't want to go to work upset if the news was bad. I waited until Saturday...and it was positive. I was in shock. I had waited so long & I just couldn't believe it! I peed on 20 something sticks before my first ultrasound. At 10 weeks I had my 1st ob appointment...I scored another ultrasound, which as we all know it's like winning the infertile lottery, I saw the most beautiful sight I had ever seen. My baby kicking & waving his arms & the sound of the most beautiful heartbeat I had ever heard. At my next appointment 4 weeks later the doctor was going to try the doppler & after 5 minutes she said they're so hard to find at this age...let's do an ultrasound. Thirty minutes later I would have given anything for someone to kill me. I was 14 weeks and my baby had died at 11 weeks, I didn't know. I had been talking to a corpse for 3 fucking weeks! I believe this is the point where I proceeded to have multiple nervous breakdowns. I had to take a 3 month leave of absence from work..I was in therapy & on prescription drugs. I thought that going through infertility was painful....I had no fucking idea what pain was until I went through this.

My Story Part 2

When my current husband & I moved in together I told him of my sorted past. He was totally okay with this of course because his sperm would be so much better than my exes! (Gotta love male ego)We decided that whatever happens is okay & we decided not to prevent anything. And as you all know 1 1/2 years later I was back in the doctors office. Clomid was about the powerful thing I could get. All I kept hearing was you're so young what's the rush. (Insert you own swear of choice here)I finally, after 7 years, got enough balls to find another doctor & demand what I wanted. I hope you're sitting down because the doctor said " um, why did you wait so long?" WTF! I had been to at least 5 different docs over the years & got the same old bullshit. Now this one wanted to know why I had waited! We finally had our 1st IUI with the assistance of clomid. I was so naive...I was sure this was it..2 weeks later I cried my eyes out at the doctors office when they told me my test was negative. I had already peed on 5 at home but I was sure they were wrong so like a dumbass I drove across town so I could hear negative to my face! Very smart of me!
We would try again the next month with Gonal-F....no positive & a shitload of ovarian cysts! yeah!

My story Part 1

I stopped taking bcp 3 months after I married my 1st husband. He was in the military, I didn't work so what else was there to do besides have a baby. Who knew what a world of shit I was opening up for myself. After 6 months I decided we should see a doctor. A shitload of blood draws & painful tests later I learned I had PCOS & my husband had a low count. Clomid was my drug of choice then. Several cycles, negative pee sticks & tears later, my husband left me for his patrol partner....they went on to have a daughter. I was so fucking happy for them...yeah right.

Hello I'm a virgin blogger...please be gentle....

I've been reading blogs & delurking for over a year now. Sometimes I feel as if I should comment on other peoples post but I somehow don't feel worthy. I've been searching all infertility info on the web to somehow understand how it's possible that I've been trying to have a baby for 12 years. It's actually scary typing that number. I'm currently on the verge of my 1st failed IVF & I'm hoping to share my ups & downs (probably more downs than ups) of this turbulent ride of infertility.